Looking Back

Looking back a year ago, I would have never thought this is where I'd be now....

This time last year, I was having a hard time. My previous relationship was on the brink and I had a gut feeling it was going to come to an end very soon. And boy did it. It was a horrible break up. Lies, heart break, arguing, I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things...it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. I was angry, I was upset, I was hurt, I was shocked, I was just all kinds of things built in one. I think two of the hardest things to deal with during that time was that I was having a miscarriage with his child and the fact that I spent over a year with someone that I obviously did not know. He became a different person, I became a different person. I was so in love with this guy and so ready to settle down with him. We had everything planned. And then it just ended. It didn't help that I was going through a miscarriage through all of this. I felt helpless. I felt like no amount of advice anyone was giving me was enough. They couldn't take my pain or hurt or anger away although I wanted so badly for someone ANYONE to do that for me. I didn't know who to talk to. I talked, believe me I talked, but it didn't matter how much I talked about it. No one could give me the answers to learn how to deal with any of it and move on. I eventually just stopped talking as I felt people were trying to avoid me because it was like every time I hung out with friends, we always talked about two things: my break up and my miscarriage. I felt it getting old to my friends ...so I just shut down. I yelled and screamed and asked God why. I got mad at God. And then I got even more angry for being angry.

But then I woke up one day a few weeks later and decided to stop everything. Stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being angry and upset and hurt, stop moping around...and do something about it, and trust me, it was easier said than done. I've always gone to church. I would say I have a strong relationship with God...but that relationship was soon going to become stronger. I prayed, boy did I pray so hard! I prayed for God to just give me the answers, asked him what to do, cried out to Him to take this pain away from me, asked him to give me strength and patience and guidance and reassurance that everything was going to be okay. I just prayed. I became a different person. I became stronger. I realized that the whole time I was talking and letting it all go, that I was talking to the wrong person. I was letting go but not putting it in God's hands. And that day, that's exactly what I did. I let go of my anger, my hurt, my brokenness, everything...and put it all in God's hands.

I started to realize that the relationship I was in was never a good one from the start. I was being controlled, I was verbally abused, I lied, I snuck around, I did things that I would NEVER do, I pushed God away, and I became weak...all for a guy who "loved" me. And no one knew about it. You do stupid things when you're in love. I was blind and then became blind sided. And when it ended, I learned so much. Not just about him, but about myself. I would tell myself that I didn't deserve the stuff I had been through with this guy. I didn't deserve the verbal abuse, the drama, the things he pressured me into, none of it. But then, I'd miss him. I didn't miss him as a person, but I missed being held, missed being told I was beautiful by someone, missed being with someone, I missed everything that came with a relationship...or what was supposed to come from one. So I decided to make a list of pros and cons. I wrote until I couldn't any more. After I was done, I sat under the tree where him and I would always have picnics. The same tree where we were going to get married under the following year. I sat under that tree, cried, read the list I had made, cried some more, and then set the list on fire and watched it burn. It felt good and it's what I needed.

Afterwards, I started going out with my friends since I wasn't allowed to do that before without my phone blowing up or without getting yelled at by him. I went out, I had a few drinks with friends, and I had fun. More fun than I ever had in a very long time. I was proud of myself. Although it hurt seeing girls with their boyfriends and how sweet they were, I was doing me. I was putting myself and God first. I wasn't rushing to find another boyfriend. I was trusting God and letting that right person come to me, instead of searching for him.

Along with that pros and cons list I wrote out, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a boyfriend. I listed out things like what I'd deal with and what I wouldn't. I listed qualities like being a gentlemen and opening doors for me, not asking me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, someone who could have fun, someone who would love me for me and not for what I do for them, someone who likes to cuddle where it wouldn't lead to anything, pretty much this perfect guy. I wanted a MAN and not a boy. Being patient isn't in my vocab what so ever. But I forced myself to be patient. And that's when God brought me TC.

The beginning of May, I started talking to a guy named Todd (TC for short). A friend gave him my number and we just started talking. And as much as I HATED myself for doing so, I opened up to TC. Told him a lot about what I had just gone through a month prior to talking to him. And of course after I did so, I could have buried myself in a hole because I felt like I just scared him off. I felt like he was thinking, "oh wow, this girl has a lot of baggage." But he didn't. We talked about simple things. He talked about video games and cars and how he was going to get me on an airplane even if I was kicking and screaming. (I'm terrified of planes FYI). And of course I don't play video games, I know absolutely nothing about cars, and I will not REPEAT WILL NOT get on an airplane to save my life! Lol! Me: "I love heights!" TC: "I am perfectly happy with my feet firmly on the ground." Me: "But yet, I haven't flown in an airplane...and I never will!" TC: "Yes you will. Even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming." Me: "You'll have to roofie my ass!" TC: "Do you have any idea how expensive roofies are these days?" Me: "Less expensive than that plane ticket I assure you." Lol! I love that conversation. It felt so comfortable talking to him. No awkwardness, no quietness, nothing of that sort.

I still remember to this day where he came up to Lizard's Thicket where I was working at the time. He sat down to eat around 7:30-8:00. He sat right where I could see him, but I didn't know it was him because we hadn't met yet. The whole time, I kept telling my friend Alana who worked with me, "I know that guy from somewhere." After he was done eating, he came up to the counter, I rang his food up, and he walked out of the door. I turned to Alana telling her, "I think I know that guy...but I've never met him in person. Sounds strange, I know." A few minutes later, I got a text from TC. He said, "I was just in Lizard's Thicket. You just rang me up." Haha I knew it! I got off of work ready to head to Alana's house so we could go out. As I was getting in my car, TC texted me saying he had waited on me to get off of work. He waited an hour! Some people would have thought that was a little creepy and to be honest, I did at first but I thought it was sweet. We sat in the parking lot, smoked a cigarette, and just talked for a few minutes. He then followed me to Alana's house where we talked some more.

On May 21st, we had our first date. TC and I met up at Grecian Gardens. TC is horrible with directions so we took separate cars lol. We had a nice dinner. We talked, no we really cracked up most of the time talking about funny stories and what not. I loved it. Again, no awkwardness, no quietness, no nothing. After dinner, it was still early so we sat in the back of his truck and talked some more. Then we decided that we were going to go to the movies. We got to the movies and they were closed so we decided to go to Wings N Ale to play pool instead. I hadn't played pool in quite some time and didn't know how to properly play any way...so TC taught me (and yes, he did the whole "go behind a girl and teach her how to hold the pool stick" kinda thing lol). We sat up there for a few hours playing pool and playing some games. He even won me prizes in the little claw machines. We then went outside, sat on my car, and just talked. I was so hoping that he'd kiss me...but he didn't. Lol!

We went on 2 more dates after that. TC likes to go on 3 dates before he decides to pursue anything else. We hung out at his friend AJ's house a lot. That's where we really got to know each other. That's where we had our first kiss. That's where we first...never mind lol. We learned so much about each other. He made me feel so special and I was so comfortable with him. I loved his dorkyness and how he would just want to cuddle and hold me.

On June 8th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He asked me over text (I know cheesy but we were both so busy that week). He then went to AT for 2 weeks a few days later. Those 2 weeks were the longest 2 weeks of my life! Lol! That's when he told me he had fallen in love with me. To hear those words was just so unreal. I just never thought that I'd fall in love with another person so quickly after a break up. He got back home from AT and that's when I knew he was going to be special to me.

Things went fast very quickly. We found out we were pregnant mid August. We were terrified. We didn't know how to tell people. We were just shocked. But we sat down together and vowed to be by each other no matter what. And look at us now. We're about to have a baby boy in a just a few short weeks, we have a house together, and we're happy.

A lot of people have told me that you can't fall in love with someone that quick. A lot of people tell me that TC and I are just together because we're having a baby, that it's forcing us to be together. And a lot of people tell me that we won't last, that we're just in "happy baby mode" where we're happy but to just wait until after that baby is born and we will drift apart....well I don't believe any of that nonsense. No one knows what TC and I have between one another...and no one has to know because it doesn't matter what they think. TC has never made me doubt his love for me. He's never done anything to make me not trust him. He has loved me for me. He has taken such good care of me since day one. He's been protective over me where it isn't a concern. He has never raised his voice at me or degraded me. He has never made me do things or go places where I'm not comfortable. He's never controlled who I talk to or where I go. He's never gotten mad at me for stupid little things. We've never been in a fight where we have screamed and yelled at each other, and we've never walked away from each other without settling our problems. He has been nothing but supportive, loving, sweet, caring, trustworthy, and everything I have ever wanted from a man. And the only thing TC has ever broken of mine is the walls that I've built up.

God knew what kind of man I needed in my life and He gave me the perfect one. TC has broken down those walls that I have built up all of my life. He makes me laugh with his dorky self. He surprises me in some way every day whether it be bringing me flowers for no reason, making me dinner, jumping on the bed and starting a tickle fight, making a picnic in our living room, cleaning the house for me, or taking me somewhere special even if it's to the park. He holds me when I'm sad or upset, he works his butt off to support me and Grayson, he makes time for me, he puts me first above anything and anyone else, he tells me every single day how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, and he treats me like I need to be treated...like I'm the only girl in this world because to him, I am. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has become my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait until our son comes into this world. The puzzle will be complete then.

I'm glad God opened my eyes about my previous relationship. As much as I thought he was the one, he wasn't and God soon made me realize that. God brought me TC at the perfect time. And it's not that I needed a man in my life to complete me. No, not that at all. God just knew when the perfect time was to bring me the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. I'm so happy and content right now and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I am beyond blessed. <3

Busy Busy Bees!

Phew! I haven't updated this thing since the end of January. No apologies. It's been mad crazy getting everything settled from our move, getting stuff ready for Grayson, and my photography.

We're finally settled into our new home. We have everything unpacked, put away, organized, and decorated. It's been crazy! AND we FINALLY got Grayson's nursery fully ready! We bought his crib 2 weeks ago, got it set up and placed where we want it, and got decorations put up on his wall.  We even have all of his clothes, bibs, hats, socks, towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. washed and organized in his closet. My Aunt Lisa and cousin, Laura, threw me a baby shower this past weekend (March 2nd) and we got a ton of things!  I'm so thankful for everyone who came and gave us gifts. Yall are truly awesome and Grayson is spoiled rotten! Lol! I think my favorite gift was definitely Grayson's little sock monkey booties! Tehe! They're too cute! (thanks Ms. Terry, Alex, and Kim). TC's favorite thing was of course our video monitors. He installed those suckers right away like a good Daddy. He was a little too excited over them lol (thank you, Nanie).

Grayson has been a little active nugget lately. So active that he's made me have contractions that have landed me in the hospital twice now! Pheww this child is gonna be one little pushy thing I tell ya! He's already showing Daddy who's boss by kicking the ever living snot outta him when he goes and tries to hold me. Haha I have a feeling that Grayson and Daddy will be fighting for my attention A LOT! lol!

My daddy's in town this week and has been staying with TC and I. The night he got here, we went to Apple Bees for some late night food and just cracked up at my dad for putting too much hot sauce in his pasta. It was so funny! There's never a dull moment when my daddy's here. Yesterday, me and my dad went to my sister's house to see her and Elizabeth and I'll tell you what, Elizabeth was a mean little thing to my dad lol. He kept messing with her so bad though! She just didn't wanna share anything with him and kept telling him, "NO!" lol it was too funny! Miss sassy pants at her finest!

We had a doctor's appointment this morning for a regular check-up for Grayson. Just the normal checking of the heart beat, measuring of my tummy, and answering any questions we had. Since my dad is in town this week, he came with us since I knew he would want to hear Grayson's heart beat. Of course my dad teared up lol. Such a sap! Poor TC had to work in NC from 3 yesterday afternoon until 3 this morning and didn't get home until 5 this morning. So he was exhausted anod did not want to get up this morning but being the good Daddy he is, he got up without a problem and went to the doctor's appointment. He hasn't missed one yet and refuses to no matter if he didn't get any sleep or not. He's been so good with this pregnancy!

Doctor's appointment went well. I'm measuring at 33 weeks which is exactly what my ultrasounds have measured me at. But they've told me to expect him early since I am so short and his space is getting even more limited than normal. I told them that watch his little stubborn self be LATE! Nah! I guarantee he'll be here in 4 weeks (April 6th or 7th). TC and I have said that from the get go since our son is already a little smart ass like his Daddy. TC has drill on April 6th and 7th and will be about 2 hours away so THAT'S when Grayson will decide to come just you watch! Lol! I've already gotten my predictions in that he'll be here in 4 weeks, weighing in at 8 pounds and 4 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. Yup!

It's been a crazy week! Back to editing pictures I go :)