The next 3 weeks...

Are gonna be long as hell! And I hate it! TC left this morning to go to AT. Of course he called me at around 8:30 and asked me to come up to his unit in Saluda because he needed some important documentation. And I'm really glad he asked me to because I was more than half asleep when he kissed Grayson and I goodbye this morning so it gave me the chance to actually kiss and hug him. Grayson was excellent in the car on the way there and back. It's about an hour to an hour and a half drive both ways so I was very surprised I didn't have to pull over and breastfeed him. I pumped a bottle but the way he eats bottles is crazy!

But any way! TC will be gone for 3 weeks. He'll be home on the 31st but then has to turn around and go to Columbia for Yellow Ribbon Ceremony June 1st and 2nd. But thankfully he'll be sleeping at the house the 31st and 1st so I'm excited about that. Then he's taking a week off from work so we can go on a mini vacation to Charleston. I have a photoshoot on the 6th down there so we're heading down on the 5th and probably staying until the 7th.

It's just going to suck. I'll be able to talk to him on the phone, text him, and Facebook him...but it's not the same. I know it's only 3 weeks and so many people are telling me that it's not that big of a deal...well it is when he'll be deploying in August and this AT bull crap takes a month away from us to spend time together and for TC to spend with his son. I'm just tired of people telling me the time will go by fast and that it's not that big of a deal. If only they knew. I don't wish this on anyone. It's just harder now that Grayson is here. That is what's killing me the most. I'm just glad that Grayson won't remember any of this when he's older. That's the only good thing that's coming out of the timing of all this.

TC's afraid that Grayson will be scared of him once he comes back from deployment. That and the fact that Grayson won't know who he is. I reassured him that Grayson WILL know his daddy. He'll know his voice and what he looks like every single day while he's gone. I'll make sure of that.

As much as we need the money and we'll be able to do so much once TC gets back, it just sucks so bad! It sucks not knowing exactly where he is, what he's doing, and whether or not he's ok. He won't be able to call us every day. And I try not to worry about him getting hurt or killed over there but it's hard when SO many men and women do die over there doing the simplest things like playing with kids or just walking around. The uncertainty just kills me more than anything. I know he'll be able to skype and call us every now and then and he'll be able to write us....but it's still not the same. It just hurts so bad! I try not to think about it. I try to stay positive...but my heart just hurts! He's not even gone yet and my heart is broken.

I know I'm strong. I have been through so much in my life already. But never something like this. How do you say goodbye to someone who you have fallen so much in love with, who has become your best friend and the father of your child and so much more, and who has been there for you through so much?!?! How do you say goodbye to someone and knowing that they may be the last time you see them?!? TC has promised me that he's coming home and I believe that with my whole heart...I HAVE to believe that. But just not knowing hurts so much! I can't describe this emptiness in my heart. I can't describe what I'm feeling. All I can say is that it hurts so bad!

Sometimes I just scream and ask God why! Why OUR family? Why now? Why ever? I know God is watching over us and I know He'll keep me strong and pull me through this. And I know He has put people in my life who love us and who will support us and take care of us. But it's still not going to be the same without TC here. No amount of people can soothe me enough. I know want him here. Call me selfish, I don't care. There's just so much on the line right now. TC will be missing his own birthday. He'll be missing Grayson's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthday, and so many of Grayson's first holidays. He'll be missing Grayson's first words, the first time he crawls, his first steps, his first haircut, the first time he eats cake and ice cream, and so many of Grayson's milestones.And it just sucks! Don't know how to explain it any better.

The next 3 months are just going to fly by and I don't want it to. He found out for sure that he'd be deploying the first weekend in April. That's when he found out he'd be gone for a month for AT. That seems like yesterday that he was told that. And here we are. I just want time to slow down as much as it will. I don't want this time to slip away from us.

There's skype, yes. I'll be taking too many pictures and videos to count, yes. But why does TC have to watch his son's first year through a screen or through pictures and videos?!?! It's just not fair! It's not fair at all. This feels like a nightmare. Before Grayson was born, I told myself that we'd be fine. That I could do this, no problem. I told myself that it'l be hard but that I've got this. Now that Grayson is born, I feel like I don't. I just look into his eyes and see his daddy and it just breaks my heart. I'm so thankful to have him...I just wish his daddy would be here and not have to leave. I know it's better for him to leave now while Grayson is young....but it's not better on me. I'm doubting myself that I can do this when I know I can. I just pray to God that year will fly by. I pray to God that the day he leaves us and we're in that airport that time will go before my eyes and we'll be right back at that airport picking him up in a year like we never even left that airport to begin with. I know things will be different once TC gets back. He'll be different. But I pray to God that He watches over us and makes everything ok. I know He will. I have to believe that in my heart. <3

Just pray for us. Pray hard for us please. Never did I think at 22 I'd be where I'm at now. I'm thankful I am though. Just wish certain things would be different...or at least the timing would. Todd Cowan Wallace, I love you more than anything in this world! Asides from the day our precious son was born, the day I met you and the day I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with my best friend (being YOU) was the greatest day of my life! I love you to the moon and back, baby! Pinky swear and lock it! <3