I just want one day where I can spend with TC without any distractions, bad news, phone calls, texts, nothing. Just me and him. I just want one day that goes our way for a change. One day where we can just be ourselves with each other.
Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!
Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.
As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!
TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.
God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Update On Our Little Nugget :D
Just a little update on Baby Grayson:
I went to the doctor this morning and Grayson weighs 8 pounds and 1 ounce as of right now. He's still too big for me since I'm so short and my hips refuse to expand (the ONE time I WISH and thought I'd have a big booty and nothing). My doctor said that I was just too small for me to push him out naturally BUT I'm still going to opt out for a c-section UNLESS it puts me or Grayson in harm in any way. I so wanna be able to experience child birth. I wanna be able to be the first one to hold him and honestly, I wanna be able to work my ass off and push to bring him into this world. BUT sometimes that doesn't always go as planned. If I'm in too much pain and just can't do it, c-section it is. I guess I'm a little stubborn (ok big time stubborn) and wanna have him naturally because I mean come on, I have been carrying him for 9 months so I think I deserve to be the first one to hold my son lol. But as long as he's healthy and I'm healthy, I don't care how he gets here. I just want him here so bad. I wanna meet my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, and spoil him rotten!
My doctor talked to me about the possibility of being induced on the 24th. My cervix is still closed but I'm dilated at 1 centimeter which is progress since I was only dilated half a centimeter on Monday when I went to the hospital and I've been stuck on half a centimeter for 3 weeks now. My cervix is soft on the outside but closed on the inside so they're gonna keep an eye on that and keep checking me every week. If my cervix doesn't change and I don't have a baby before the 24th, they're gonna give me some medicine the night of the 23rd to help my cervix open and soften and then induce me on the 24th. I couldn't be more excited although my sister will be on vacation and I'm gonna be so sad that she won't be there :( but that's ok. Maybe Grayson will come early, but if not, my sister will see us when she gets back a couple days later.
I just can't wait until he gets here. And as all of you know, I'm a photographer so I really can't wait to get pictures of him. TC always picks on me and says, "you just want him here so you can use him as your baby model!" haha! WRONG!...that's just half of the reason tehe! I really can't wait for my 19 month old niece, Elizabeth, to meet him. She absolutely LOVES babies and has already put Grayson in his place lol. She'll be kissing my belly and Grayson will kick her in the face and she'll give him a nasty look and say, "NOOOO!" Too cute! She loves to pop my stomach and try to feed Grayson through my belly button. She's going to be such a good cousin even if she's a bossy little thing tehe!
So unless Grayson decides to break my water and come early, 13 days and counting until we get to meet our sweet little boy and I can't wait!! Ahhh this is gonna be the longest 13 days of my life!
I went to the doctor this morning and Grayson weighs 8 pounds and 1 ounce as of right now. He's still too big for me since I'm so short and my hips refuse to expand (the ONE time I WISH and thought I'd have a big booty and nothing). My doctor said that I was just too small for me to push him out naturally BUT I'm still going to opt out for a c-section UNLESS it puts me or Grayson in harm in any way. I so wanna be able to experience child birth. I wanna be able to be the first one to hold him and honestly, I wanna be able to work my ass off and push to bring him into this world. BUT sometimes that doesn't always go as planned. If I'm in too much pain and just can't do it, c-section it is. I guess I'm a little stubborn (ok big time stubborn) and wanna have him naturally because I mean come on, I have been carrying him for 9 months so I think I deserve to be the first one to hold my son lol. But as long as he's healthy and I'm healthy, I don't care how he gets here. I just want him here so bad. I wanna meet my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, and spoil him rotten!
My doctor talked to me about the possibility of being induced on the 24th. My cervix is still closed but I'm dilated at 1 centimeter which is progress since I was only dilated half a centimeter on Monday when I went to the hospital and I've been stuck on half a centimeter for 3 weeks now. My cervix is soft on the outside but closed on the inside so they're gonna keep an eye on that and keep checking me every week. If my cervix doesn't change and I don't have a baby before the 24th, they're gonna give me some medicine the night of the 23rd to help my cervix open and soften and then induce me on the 24th. I couldn't be more excited although my sister will be on vacation and I'm gonna be so sad that she won't be there :( but that's ok. Maybe Grayson will come early, but if not, my sister will see us when she gets back a couple days later.
I just can't wait until he gets here. And as all of you know, I'm a photographer so I really can't wait to get pictures of him. TC always picks on me and says, "you just want him here so you can use him as your baby model!" haha! WRONG!...that's just half of the reason tehe! I really can't wait for my 19 month old niece, Elizabeth, to meet him. She absolutely LOVES babies and has already put Grayson in his place lol. She'll be kissing my belly and Grayson will kick her in the face and she'll give him a nasty look and say, "NOOOO!" Too cute! She loves to pop my stomach and try to feed Grayson through my belly button. She's going to be such a good cousin even if she's a bossy little thing tehe!
So unless Grayson decides to break my water and come early, 13 days and counting until we get to meet our sweet little boy and I can't wait!! Ahhh this is gonna be the longest 13 days of my life!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I am blessed
I am blessed because God has put me through so much in my life. Everyone goes through a lot in their life. God never said life would be easy, but He did promise to make it worth-while. He promised to be there for us to lift us up when we're down, to take away all of our pain, to be that one set of footprints in the sand because that's where He has carried us, and to always love us for who we are on the inside and not the out. God doesn't put us through obstacles to punish us no matter how much we feel He is, but to make us stronger people in the end. To help us learn from our mistakes and let go of those mistakes and never turn back. I know there are so many people out there that have been through more tragic things then I could ever imagine going through. I'm thankful that God has put me through so much no matter how hard it was, has been, and is. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clean water, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a bed to sleep in, a car to drive me places, air to cool me off and heat to warm me up, things that I don't even need, a wonderful job that I cherish, family and friends who love me and who I adore, a man in my life who is there for me every day, and I'm able to walk and talk and see and take care of myself without assistance. I might not have much, but in my heart I have it all. We all take things for granted. We even take the people in our life for granted. Sometimes we don't even notice it until it's too late. All of these things we have, we think everyone else has too...but a lot of times, that's not the case. I'm thankful that God has brought me these things and more. I am blessed.
I am blessed because after a few not so pleasant relationships, God has finally brought a man in my life who treats me better than any man ever has. You have to stop looking for that right person and let God bring them to you when the time is right. You have to make yourself happy before you can ever make anyone else happy. You have to be patient. And as hard as it is for me to be patient, I'm glad I was because I wouldn't have TC in my life. He's such a sweet and caring man. I have no idea what I'd do without him. He makes me laugh like no other person ever has. The little things he does for me makes me smile. He surprises me in some way every single day. I know in my heart that he is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with even if we've only known each other a year. It's been the best year of my life and no one can ever tell me differently. Our relationship started out slow and got just all of a sudden everything went so fast but I've never doubted if our relationship would last or not. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that no matter where it takes us, we're going to be stronger than ever and we'll be happy. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have been able to experience motherhood. As hard as it has been, my son is healthy and I am healthy. So many women can't have kids and I couldn't imagine how hard that is to be told that. I was told 2 years ago that I would have a hard time having kids because I was having some female problems for a year due to all the medicine I was on for epilepsy when I never had epilepsy. That discouraged me but I knew those doctors were wrong. As silly as this sounds and as much as I complain about it, I am thankful for the swollen feet and hands, the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the cramping and pressure, the numbness, the moments I get out of breath just by putting my socks on, and the tiredness that pregnancy has brought me...because I know not every woman can experience being pregnant. And I know in the end, I will have a baby boy to look at and to be thankful for. I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond words right now and I couldn't be happier with my life. I have my bad and off days like everyone else in this world...but those bad days fade out into the distance and God provides me with better days. I get emotional, sometimes I feel like giving up, and sometimes I feel like no one is here to understand....but then God helps me. He helps me by picking me back up when I feel like giving up. He helps me by bringing people into my life to help me cope with things that I don't know how to cope with on my own. I am blessed.
"I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bit bitchy, to push people, to push myself. I was taught never to take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself, but most of all, to fight for myself."
I am blessed because I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clean water, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a bed to sleep in, a car to drive me places, air to cool me off and heat to warm me up, things that I don't even need, a wonderful job that I cherish, family and friends who love me and who I adore, a man in my life who is there for me every day, and I'm able to walk and talk and see and take care of myself without assistance. I might not have much, but in my heart I have it all. We all take things for granted. We even take the people in our life for granted. Sometimes we don't even notice it until it's too late. All of these things we have, we think everyone else has too...but a lot of times, that's not the case. I'm thankful that God has brought me these things and more. I am blessed.
I am blessed because after a few not so pleasant relationships, God has finally brought a man in my life who treats me better than any man ever has. You have to stop looking for that right person and let God bring them to you when the time is right. You have to make yourself happy before you can ever make anyone else happy. You have to be patient. And as hard as it is for me to be patient, I'm glad I was because I wouldn't have TC in my life. He's such a sweet and caring man. I have no idea what I'd do without him. He makes me laugh like no other person ever has. The little things he does for me makes me smile. He surprises me in some way every single day. I know in my heart that he is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with even if we've only known each other a year. It's been the best year of my life and no one can ever tell me differently. Our relationship started out slow and got just all of a sudden everything went so fast but I've never doubted if our relationship would last or not. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that no matter where it takes us, we're going to be stronger than ever and we'll be happy. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have been able to experience motherhood. As hard as it has been, my son is healthy and I am healthy. So many women can't have kids and I couldn't imagine how hard that is to be told that. I was told 2 years ago that I would have a hard time having kids because I was having some female problems for a year due to all the medicine I was on for epilepsy when I never had epilepsy. That discouraged me but I knew those doctors were wrong. As silly as this sounds and as much as I complain about it, I am thankful for the swollen feet and hands, the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the cramping and pressure, the numbness, the moments I get out of breath just by putting my socks on, and the tiredness that pregnancy has brought me...because I know not every woman can experience being pregnant. And I know in the end, I will have a baby boy to look at and to be thankful for. I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond words right now and I couldn't be happier with my life. I have my bad and off days like everyone else in this world...but those bad days fade out into the distance and God provides me with better days. I get emotional, sometimes I feel like giving up, and sometimes I feel like no one is here to understand....but then God helps me. He helps me by picking me back up when I feel like giving up. He helps me by bringing people into my life to help me cope with things that I don't know how to cope with on my own. I am blessed.
"I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bit bitchy, to push people, to push myself. I was taught never to take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself, but most of all, to fight for myself."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow
Yesterday was an awful day! It first started out with a nasty comment made privately to me and as much as I appreciate that didn't publically say it to me where everyone could see on my Facebook, it still hurt. I try not to let people get to me. I try to react differently since I am in fact the only one who can choose HOW to react to someone. Well, that's easier said than done while pregnant and having your emotions already thinning. The comment that was made was about my miscarriage I had a year ago. And just that simple sentence they said to me, hurt. They said it because of a post I posted on Facebook that they read wrong. Everyone else knew I didn't mean it in a harmful way. I was just saying how amazing God is and how He works in mysterious ways. I wasn't being a smart ass, I didn't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, I was simply taking a shitty day and realizing that God gives us a light at the end of the dark tunnel and at the end of that tunnel, He makes it all better. Well, they didn't think that way which is fine because everyone has their own opinion, everyone has a different way of thinking and looking at things. But they didn't have to make the nasty comment to me. They could have just acted like an adult, ignored my post, and moved on instead of upsetting an already distraught pregnant woman.
This same person I am talking about, I should have let go a long time ago. I should have stepped away when I could have because I knew I'd get hurt in the long run...but they wouldn't let me walk away. Not their fault at all when I say they didn't let me because I know I have that choice of who gets to stay in my life and who I should walk away from. I guess since I do see these people every Sunday at church (if we both go to church), I felt obligated to still be in their lives. Doesn't help that these people were in my life a little over a year and were going to soon be my family. Of course that didn't happen and I've gotten over that a long time ago. But these people were there for me...until the end. But none of that matters now because I'm moving on. I'm finally letting go. That's what I've been needing for the past year. To just let go. And not just let go of them, but everyone who is associated with them. Not trying to be rude or bash them in any way although they have hurt me. I need to do this for me and my sanity. I can't keep holding on to something that God has obviously pushed me away from and made me open my eyes to.
So yesterday, I let go. I let go of a lot of people who deliberately put me down and make me feel like a teeny tiny ant. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of letting people get to me and letting them hurt me without saying a word to them just so it won't hurt their feelings and just to dodge a little fight or argument. If they took the time to hurt me and not think about my feelings, then why should I hold back my thoughts and feelings in order to not hurt them? I guess I've always had the mind set of " do unto others as you would have them do to you" that and not to stoop to their level. Well I'm done holding back my feelings.
On top of all that, TC and I were on our way to our doctor's appointment and right before I was going to ask TC to drive because I was starting to have some contractions, I get pulled over for speeding. I was going 57 in a 45 RIGHT BEFORE it changed 55. Like seriously I had less than 200 feet until the speed limit changed to 55. That and I looked down at my speedometer and I was going 50, not 57! But of course, I didn't feel like being a bitch to that cop because I probably would have ended up in a jail cell, no lie! I didn't even speak to the officer. TC did all the talking because he KNEW if I opened my mouth, he'd be shaking his head and having to bail me outta jail. Again, why people have to piss a pregnant woman is beyond me. They should put warning labels on us for real!
Well, after I get done with the asshole cop, I get TC to call our doctor's office to tell them that we were going to be late but we were on our way. Well, of course as we pull into the doctor's office parking lot, they call us back and tell us that my appointment isn't until the next day! Really? Yall couldn't have told us that when we called yall to tell yall we'd be late?!?! TC told them that that's not what our sheet said when our apppointment was. And we even got back to the house and my sheet said, "4-03-13 at 1:20 pm with Dr. Jones." So today, when I go BACK up there, I'm gonna be a smart ass and bring my sheet up there and make sure the rest of my appointments are correct. I was just pissed because 1. I have a quarter tank of gas in my car that has to last me all week. 2. My doctor's office is behind the hospital which is about 15-20 minutes away from our house. 3. I don't have the time nor the gas nor the money to waste going back and forth to the hospital. Urghh! So frustrating!
After all of that frustration, I dropped TC off at the flea market so he could help a friend clean out their building. I drop him off, get all the way to our house, go to unlock the door, and notice that my house key was not on my keychain! Urghh! So all the way BACK to the flea market to get TC's keys and I just wind up waiting for TC to finish so I didn't have to get all the way back to the house and then get a phone call as I'm just relaxing to pick him up. I was tired, I was fed up with this shitty day, and I just wanted to go home and go to bed! Of course it didn't help that I hadn't had time to eat all day and didn't really feel like eating because of these stupid contractions. Again, URGHH!!!
We get home and TC tries everything in his power to cheer me up. We go to Walmart to get some groceries and so I can walk and of course someone else has to post something on my status and it just goes down hill from there with people defending me. I appreciate that people wanna defend me, but on Facebook, it gets you NO WHERE! So I just turn my phone off and ignore it all.
Contractions all night for the past week and hurting so bad! I am a little short shit and Grayson is growing like a weed and doesn't have any room which makes this pain even more uncomfortable. I've always loved being short even with all the teasing, but right now, I effin hate it! I never knew being short would hurt this bad being pregnant! I know it's all gonna be worth it in the end...but the end can hurry the hell up! I swear the last month of pregnancy lasts longer than the whole pregnancy does! At least that's what it seems like. It's dragging on and on and on. Feels like time has just stopped to taunt my short ass.
So the devil really tested my patience yesterday and all day long yesterday, I couldn't help but to have the song from Annie stuck in my damn head: "the sun will come out tomorrow..." Well it's tomorrow and it's effin raining! No sun today but that doesn't mean my day won't be sunny. The devil's not gonna win today. It's gonna be a good day whether I have to force it or not.
Getting ready to head to my doctor's appointment. Hoping and praying for some good news and that I've progressed some. Hoping to get some answers as to why I keep blacking out and falling and having contractions non stop. Please say a prayer for us <3
This same person I am talking about, I should have let go a long time ago. I should have stepped away when I could have because I knew I'd get hurt in the long run...but they wouldn't let me walk away. Not their fault at all when I say they didn't let me because I know I have that choice of who gets to stay in my life and who I should walk away from. I guess since I do see these people every Sunday at church (if we both go to church), I felt obligated to still be in their lives. Doesn't help that these people were in my life a little over a year and were going to soon be my family. Of course that didn't happen and I've gotten over that a long time ago. But these people were there for me...until the end. But none of that matters now because I'm moving on. I'm finally letting go. That's what I've been needing for the past year. To just let go. And not just let go of them, but everyone who is associated with them. Not trying to be rude or bash them in any way although they have hurt me. I need to do this for me and my sanity. I can't keep holding on to something that God has obviously pushed me away from and made me open my eyes to.
So yesterday, I let go. I let go of a lot of people who deliberately put me down and make me feel like a teeny tiny ant. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of letting people get to me and letting them hurt me without saying a word to them just so it won't hurt their feelings and just to dodge a little fight or argument. If they took the time to hurt me and not think about my feelings, then why should I hold back my thoughts and feelings in order to not hurt them? I guess I've always had the mind set of " do unto others as you would have them do to you" that and not to stoop to their level. Well I'm done holding back my feelings.
On top of all that, TC and I were on our way to our doctor's appointment and right before I was going to ask TC to drive because I was starting to have some contractions, I get pulled over for speeding. I was going 57 in a 45 RIGHT BEFORE it changed 55. Like seriously I had less than 200 feet until the speed limit changed to 55. That and I looked down at my speedometer and I was going 50, not 57! But of course, I didn't feel like being a bitch to that cop because I probably would have ended up in a jail cell, no lie! I didn't even speak to the officer. TC did all the talking because he KNEW if I opened my mouth, he'd be shaking his head and having to bail me outta jail. Again, why people have to piss a pregnant woman is beyond me. They should put warning labels on us for real!
Well, after I get done with the asshole cop, I get TC to call our doctor's office to tell them that we were going to be late but we were on our way. Well, of course as we pull into the doctor's office parking lot, they call us back and tell us that my appointment isn't until the next day! Really? Yall couldn't have told us that when we called yall to tell yall we'd be late?!?! TC told them that that's not what our sheet said when our apppointment was. And we even got back to the house and my sheet said, "4-03-13 at 1:20 pm with Dr. Jones." So today, when I go BACK up there, I'm gonna be a smart ass and bring my sheet up there and make sure the rest of my appointments are correct. I was just pissed because 1. I have a quarter tank of gas in my car that has to last me all week. 2. My doctor's office is behind the hospital which is about 15-20 minutes away from our house. 3. I don't have the time nor the gas nor the money to waste going back and forth to the hospital. Urghh! So frustrating!
After all of that frustration, I dropped TC off at the flea market so he could help a friend clean out their building. I drop him off, get all the way to our house, go to unlock the door, and notice that my house key was not on my keychain! Urghh! So all the way BACK to the flea market to get TC's keys and I just wind up waiting for TC to finish so I didn't have to get all the way back to the house and then get a phone call as I'm just relaxing to pick him up. I was tired, I was fed up with this shitty day, and I just wanted to go home and go to bed! Of course it didn't help that I hadn't had time to eat all day and didn't really feel like eating because of these stupid contractions. Again, URGHH!!!
We get home and TC tries everything in his power to cheer me up. We go to Walmart to get some groceries and so I can walk and of course someone else has to post something on my status and it just goes down hill from there with people defending me. I appreciate that people wanna defend me, but on Facebook, it gets you NO WHERE! So I just turn my phone off and ignore it all.
Contractions all night for the past week and hurting so bad! I am a little short shit and Grayson is growing like a weed and doesn't have any room which makes this pain even more uncomfortable. I've always loved being short even with all the teasing, but right now, I effin hate it! I never knew being short would hurt this bad being pregnant! I know it's all gonna be worth it in the end...but the end can hurry the hell up! I swear the last month of pregnancy lasts longer than the whole pregnancy does! At least that's what it seems like. It's dragging on and on and on. Feels like time has just stopped to taunt my short ass.
So the devil really tested my patience yesterday and all day long yesterday, I couldn't help but to have the song from Annie stuck in my damn head: "the sun will come out tomorrow..." Well it's tomorrow and it's effin raining! No sun today but that doesn't mean my day won't be sunny. The devil's not gonna win today. It's gonna be a good day whether I have to force it or not.
Getting ready to head to my doctor's appointment. Hoping and praying for some good news and that I've progressed some. Hoping to get some answers as to why I keep blacking out and falling and having contractions non stop. Please say a prayer for us <3
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
April Showers Bring May Flowers
One year ago today, I was going through a miscarriage...all by myself. Not because I didn't have anyone there to help me but because I was having a hard time and just wanted to be left alone. God sure did pick a good day for this to happen because I seriously thought it was an April Fools joke. I had known that I was pregnant but didn't believe it because Steven and I kept thinking we were pregnant every other month since I was having female problems thanks to what I believe to be all the medicine I was taking for epilepsy when I found out I didn't have epilepsy exactly a year prior to having this miscarriage. April really isn't my month if you haven't caught on by now.
So here I stood. Not knowing what my body was doing but knowing it wasn't good. I was terrified and didn't know what to really do but sit on the toilet and let it pass on its own...and it did and then I was fine. Well, my body was fine but my emotions were everywhere. Here I was already distraught over a breakup that happened 2 days before...and then this. I kept asking myself if God hated me and asked why this was happening to me and so fast at that. I just didn't understand. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. And looking back at it now, it still feels that way. It feels like it was a dream. There's no way I had gone through all of that so strongly. Of course there were times that I just felt like giving up and felt like I had given up...but God pushed me through after I realized that I needed to give Him my problems and not give them to other people.
As I write this, I think about how God works in mysterious and funny ways. 2 months after my breakup, God brought me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. 3 months after that, we found out we were going to have a baby. About 4 months after that, we find out we're having a baby boy. 3 months after that, we move into our new house. I am happy. I am content. And even though my heart hasn't fully healed from last year, my heart is content where it is no matter what my head decides to tell me.
I've recently started seeing a counselor to help me with my past. From being a child and dealing with my daddy's anger. From coping with my mom and dad's divorce to dealing with my dad's and stepmom's. From the molestation I hid from middle school until college to dealing with all of this through high school with a smile on my face. From my breakup and miscarriage with Steven to my life now with TC and Grayson. It's been hard to talk about it all and those are just a few things we talk about. And through all of it, I've put a smile on my face whether it's been forced or not. I've chose to be strong through it all as it's happening although I have felt like giving up and becoming weak. All of this stuff I've been through has taken a toll on me. It's the reason why I have a conversion disorder where I have seizure-like activity called "events'. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm overcoming it.
As I think about all these amazing things that have happened to me the past year and think about how my life has turned a switch, I also think about something else. When you fall in love with someone, when you decide amongst each other that you're going to spend the rest of your life with each other, when you plan out everything for that special day where the two of you will tell one another how you feel in front of so many people....and when it all ends, you still think about that person. You still love that person. And yes, I admit, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Steven. I will always love him. But I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago...before we ever even broke up. TC knows all of this. He knows exactly how I feel and he understands. He understood before he even agreed to date me and before he even thought about spending the rest of his life with me.
I have moved on. Steven has moved on. And I'm happy that we have because we just weren't meant to be together no matter what we thought. I hold no grudges or anger towards him anymore. I found someone and he found someone. And what's funny is we both moved on so fast. So fast that both of us are having babies in April. And that's what's so ironic about this year.
On April 1, 2012, I had a miscarriage with Steven's baby. On April 1, 2013, he introduced his son into this world. And as much as it hurts to think about my miscarriage again after I have let it go and moved on but also will never forget it, I find a little peace knowing that exactly one year, God brought a new life into this world. He could have picked any other day out of of the year and He chose this one. I dare someone to tell me there isn't a God now. He works in mysterious and funny ways, and no one can tell me differently.
April isn't a good month for me. Hasn't been for awhile now. But it's funny all at the same time: April 12, 1986 my parents got married. My daddy left us on March 5, 2001 and didn't get in touch with us until April of that same year. April 12, 2011, I went down to Charleston for testing and for a surgical procedure. I was there for 3 days and found out I didn't have epilepsy and didn't need that surgery but instead I had a conversion disorder which made me have mimicked seizures called "events". On March 5, 2011 Steven and I sat down and decided that we were going to get married on April 20, 2013. March 30, 2012 Steven and I broke up. April 1, 2012 I had that miscarriage. On September 6, 2012 TC and I listened to our baby's heart beat for the first time and were told that our baby's due date will be April 20, 2013. And on April 1, 2013 Steven introduced his son into the world.
These dates may not be of any importance to any of you...but they are for me. Because although April has never been a good month for me, it's been a great one all at the same time....and that's the only month that does that to me.
As I look back at my life the past year, I let go. All of this weight on my shoulders has been lifted off and placed in God's hands....and I couldn't be more thankful. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up because the weight of the world is just so heavy. Some days I don't feel strong. Some days I get down and don't want to talk to anyone....but I overcome those days. I take it day by day and let it all go. I let go and let God. April "showers" bring May "flowers" <3
So here I stood. Not knowing what my body was doing but knowing it wasn't good. I was terrified and didn't know what to really do but sit on the toilet and let it pass on its own...and it did and then I was fine. Well, my body was fine but my emotions were everywhere. Here I was already distraught over a breakup that happened 2 days before...and then this. I kept asking myself if God hated me and asked why this was happening to me and so fast at that. I just didn't understand. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. And looking back at it now, it still feels that way. It feels like it was a dream. There's no way I had gone through all of that so strongly. Of course there were times that I just felt like giving up and felt like I had given up...but God pushed me through after I realized that I needed to give Him my problems and not give them to other people.
As I write this, I think about how God works in mysterious and funny ways. 2 months after my breakup, God brought me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. 3 months after that, we found out we were going to have a baby. About 4 months after that, we find out we're having a baby boy. 3 months after that, we move into our new house. I am happy. I am content. And even though my heart hasn't fully healed from last year, my heart is content where it is no matter what my head decides to tell me.
I've recently started seeing a counselor to help me with my past. From being a child and dealing with my daddy's anger. From coping with my mom and dad's divorce to dealing with my dad's and stepmom's. From the molestation I hid from middle school until college to dealing with all of this through high school with a smile on my face. From my breakup and miscarriage with Steven to my life now with TC and Grayson. It's been hard to talk about it all and those are just a few things we talk about. And through all of it, I've put a smile on my face whether it's been forced or not. I've chose to be strong through it all as it's happening although I have felt like giving up and becoming weak. All of this stuff I've been through has taken a toll on me. It's the reason why I have a conversion disorder where I have seizure-like activity called "events'. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm overcoming it.
As I think about all these amazing things that have happened to me the past year and think about how my life has turned a switch, I also think about something else. When you fall in love with someone, when you decide amongst each other that you're going to spend the rest of your life with each other, when you plan out everything for that special day where the two of you will tell one another how you feel in front of so many people....and when it all ends, you still think about that person. You still love that person. And yes, I admit, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Steven. I will always love him. But I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago...before we ever even broke up. TC knows all of this. He knows exactly how I feel and he understands. He understood before he even agreed to date me and before he even thought about spending the rest of his life with me.
I have moved on. Steven has moved on. And I'm happy that we have because we just weren't meant to be together no matter what we thought. I hold no grudges or anger towards him anymore. I found someone and he found someone. And what's funny is we both moved on so fast. So fast that both of us are having babies in April. And that's what's so ironic about this year.
On April 1, 2012, I had a miscarriage with Steven's baby. On April 1, 2013, he introduced his son into this world. And as much as it hurts to think about my miscarriage again after I have let it go and moved on but also will never forget it, I find a little peace knowing that exactly one year, God brought a new life into this world. He could have picked any other day out of of the year and He chose this one. I dare someone to tell me there isn't a God now. He works in mysterious and funny ways, and no one can tell me differently.
April isn't a good month for me. Hasn't been for awhile now. But it's funny all at the same time: April 12, 1986 my parents got married. My daddy left us on March 5, 2001 and didn't get in touch with us until April of that same year. April 12, 2011, I went down to Charleston for testing and for a surgical procedure. I was there for 3 days and found out I didn't have epilepsy and didn't need that surgery but instead I had a conversion disorder which made me have mimicked seizures called "events". On March 5, 2011 Steven and I sat down and decided that we were going to get married on April 20, 2013. March 30, 2012 Steven and I broke up. April 1, 2012 I had that miscarriage. On September 6, 2012 TC and I listened to our baby's heart beat for the first time and were told that our baby's due date will be April 20, 2013. And on April 1, 2013 Steven introduced his son into the world.
These dates may not be of any importance to any of you...but they are for me. Because although April has never been a good month for me, it's been a great one all at the same time....and that's the only month that does that to me.
As I look back at my life the past year, I let go. All of this weight on my shoulders has been lifted off and placed in God's hands....and I couldn't be more thankful. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up because the weight of the world is just so heavy. Some days I don't feel strong. Some days I get down and don't want to talk to anyone....but I overcome those days. I take it day by day and let it all go. I let go and let God. April "showers" bring May "flowers" <3
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Looking Back
Looking back a year ago, I would have never thought this is where I'd be now....
This time last year, I was having a hard time. My previous relationship was on the brink and I had a gut feeling it was going to come to an end very soon. And boy did it. It was a horrible break up. Lies, heart break, arguing, I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things...it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. I was angry, I was upset, I was hurt, I was shocked, I was just all kinds of things built in one. I think two of the hardest things to deal with during that time was that I was having a miscarriage with his child and the fact that I spent over a year with someone that I obviously did not know. He became a different person, I became a different person. I was so in love with this guy and so ready to settle down with him. We had everything planned. And then it just ended. It didn't help that I was going through a miscarriage through all of this. I felt helpless. I felt like no amount of advice anyone was giving me was enough. They couldn't take my pain or hurt or anger away although I wanted so badly for someone ANYONE to do that for me. I didn't know who to talk to. I talked, believe me I talked, but it didn't matter how much I talked about it. No one could give me the answers to learn how to deal with any of it and move on. I eventually just stopped talking as I felt people were trying to avoid me because it was like every time I hung out with friends, we always talked about two things: my break up and my miscarriage. I felt it getting old to my friends ...so I just shut down. I yelled and screamed and asked God why. I got mad at God. And then I got even more angry for being angry.
But then I woke up one day a few weeks later and decided to stop everything. Stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being angry and upset and hurt, stop moping around...and do something about it, and trust me, it was easier said than done. I've always gone to church. I would say I have a strong relationship with God...but that relationship was soon going to become stronger. I prayed, boy did I pray so hard! I prayed for God to just give me the answers, asked him what to do, cried out to Him to take this pain away from me, asked him to give me strength and patience and guidance and reassurance that everything was going to be okay. I just prayed. I became a different person. I became stronger. I realized that the whole time I was talking and letting it all go, that I was talking to the wrong person. I was letting go but not putting it in God's hands. And that day, that's exactly what I did. I let go of my anger, my hurt, my brokenness, everything...and put it all in God's hands.
I started to realize that the relationship I was in was never a good one from the start. I was being controlled, I was verbally abused, I lied, I snuck around, I did things that I would NEVER do, I pushed God away, and I became weak...all for a guy who "loved" me. And no one knew about it. You do stupid things when you're in love. I was blind and then became blind sided. And when it ended, I learned so much. Not just about him, but about myself. I would tell myself that I didn't deserve the stuff I had been through with this guy. I didn't deserve the verbal abuse, the drama, the things he pressured me into, none of it. But then, I'd miss him. I didn't miss him as a person, but I missed being held, missed being told I was beautiful by someone, missed being with someone, I missed everything that came with a relationship...or what was supposed to come from one. So I decided to make a list of pros and cons. I wrote until I couldn't any more. After I was done, I sat under the tree where him and I would always have picnics. The same tree where we were going to get married under the following year. I sat under that tree, cried, read the list I had made, cried some more, and then set the list on fire and watched it burn. It felt good and it's what I needed.
Afterwards, I started going out with my friends since I wasn't allowed to do that before without my phone blowing up or without getting yelled at by him. I went out, I had a few drinks with friends, and I had fun. More fun than I ever had in a very long time. I was proud of myself. Although it hurt seeing girls with their boyfriends and how sweet they were, I was doing me. I was putting myself and God first. I wasn't rushing to find another boyfriend. I was trusting God and letting that right person come to me, instead of searching for him.
Along with that pros and cons list I wrote out, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a boyfriend. I listed out things like what I'd deal with and what I wouldn't. I listed qualities like being a gentlemen and opening doors for me, not asking me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, someone who could have fun, someone who would love me for me and not for what I do for them, someone who likes to cuddle where it wouldn't lead to anything, pretty much this perfect guy. I wanted a MAN and not a boy. Being patient isn't in my vocab what so ever. But I forced myself to be patient. And that's when God brought me TC.
The beginning of May, I started talking to a guy named Todd (TC for short). A friend gave him my number and we just started talking. And as much as I HATED myself for doing so, I opened up to TC. Told him a lot about what I had just gone through a month prior to talking to him. And of course after I did so, I could have buried myself in a hole because I felt like I just scared him off. I felt like he was thinking, "oh wow, this girl has a lot of baggage." But he didn't. We talked about simple things. He talked about video games and cars and how he was going to get me on an airplane even if I was kicking and screaming. (I'm terrified of planes FYI). And of course I don't play video games, I know absolutely nothing about cars, and I will not REPEAT WILL NOT get on an airplane to save my life! Lol! Me: "I love heights!" TC: "I am perfectly happy with my feet firmly on the ground." Me: "But yet, I haven't flown in an airplane...and I never will!" TC: "Yes you will. Even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming." Me: "You'll have to roofie my ass!" TC: "Do you have any idea how expensive roofies are these days?" Me: "Less expensive than that plane ticket I assure you." Lol! I love that conversation. It felt so comfortable talking to him. No awkwardness, no quietness, nothing of that sort.
I still remember to this day where he came up to Lizard's Thicket where I was working at the time. He sat down to eat around 7:30-8:00. He sat right where I could see him, but I didn't know it was him because we hadn't met yet. The whole time, I kept telling my friend Alana who worked with me, "I know that guy from somewhere." After he was done eating, he came up to the counter, I rang his food up, and he walked out of the door. I turned to Alana telling her, "I think I know that guy...but I've never met him in person. Sounds strange, I know." A few minutes later, I got a text from TC. He said, "I was just in Lizard's Thicket. You just rang me up." Haha I knew it! I got off of work ready to head to Alana's house so we could go out. As I was getting in my car, TC texted me saying he had waited on me to get off of work. He waited an hour! Some people would have thought that was a little creepy and to be honest, I did at first but I thought it was sweet. We sat in the parking lot, smoked a cigarette, and just talked for a few minutes. He then followed me to Alana's house where we talked some more.
On May 21st, we had our first date. TC and I met up at Grecian Gardens. TC is horrible with directions so we took separate cars lol. We had a nice dinner. We talked, no we really cracked up most of the time talking about funny stories and what not. I loved it. Again, no awkwardness, no quietness, no nothing. After dinner, it was still early so we sat in the back of his truck and talked some more. Then we decided that we were going to go to the movies. We got to the movies and they were closed so we decided to go to Wings N Ale to play pool instead. I hadn't played pool in quite some time and didn't know how to properly play any way...so TC taught me (and yes, he did the whole "go behind a girl and teach her how to hold the pool stick" kinda thing lol). We sat up there for a few hours playing pool and playing some games. He even won me prizes in the little claw machines. We then went outside, sat on my car, and just talked. I was so hoping that he'd kiss me...but he didn't. Lol!
We went on 2 more dates after that. TC likes to go on 3 dates before he decides to pursue anything else. We hung out at his friend AJ's house a lot. That's where we really got to know each other. That's where we had our first kiss. That's where we first...never mind lol. We learned so much about each other. He made me feel so special and I was so comfortable with him. I loved his dorkyness and how he would just want to cuddle and hold me.
On June 8th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He asked me over text (I know cheesy but we were both so busy that week). He then went to AT for 2 weeks a few days later. Those 2 weeks were the longest 2 weeks of my life! Lol! That's when he told me he had fallen in love with me. To hear those words was just so unreal. I just never thought that I'd fall in love with another person so quickly after a break up. He got back home from AT and that's when I knew he was going to be special to me.
Things went fast very quickly. We found out we were pregnant mid August. We were terrified. We didn't know how to tell people. We were just shocked. But we sat down together and vowed to be by each other no matter what. And look at us now. We're about to have a baby boy in a just a few short weeks, we have a house together, and we're happy.
A lot of people have told me that you can't fall in love with someone that quick. A lot of people tell me that TC and I are just together because we're having a baby, that it's forcing us to be together. And a lot of people tell me that we won't last, that we're just in "happy baby mode" where we're happy but to just wait until after that baby is born and we will drift apart....well I don't believe any of that nonsense. No one knows what TC and I have between one another...and no one has to know because it doesn't matter what they think. TC has never made me doubt his love for me. He's never done anything to make me not trust him. He has loved me for me. He has taken such good care of me since day one. He's been protective over me where it isn't a concern. He has never raised his voice at me or degraded me. He has never made me do things or go places where I'm not comfortable. He's never controlled who I talk to or where I go. He's never gotten mad at me for stupid little things. We've never been in a fight where we have screamed and yelled at each other, and we've never walked away from each other without settling our problems. He has been nothing but supportive, loving, sweet, caring, trustworthy, and everything I have ever wanted from a man. And the only thing TC has ever broken of mine is the walls that I've built up.
God knew what kind of man I needed in my life and He gave me the perfect one. TC has broken down those walls that I have built up all of my life. He makes me laugh with his dorky self. He surprises me in some way every day whether it be bringing me flowers for no reason, making me dinner, jumping on the bed and starting a tickle fight, making a picnic in our living room, cleaning the house for me, or taking me somewhere special even if it's to the park. He holds me when I'm sad or upset, he works his butt off to support me and Grayson, he makes time for me, he puts me first above anything and anyone else, he tells me every single day how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, and he treats me like I need to be treated...like I'm the only girl in this world because to him, I am. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has become my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait until our son comes into this world. The puzzle will be complete then.
I'm glad God opened my eyes about my previous relationship. As much as I thought he was the one, he wasn't and God soon made me realize that. God brought me TC at the perfect time. And it's not that I needed a man in my life to complete me. No, not that at all. God just knew when the perfect time was to bring me the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. I'm so happy and content right now and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I am beyond blessed. <3
This time last year, I was having a hard time. My previous relationship was on the brink and I had a gut feeling it was going to come to an end very soon. And boy did it. It was a horrible break up. Lies, heart break, arguing, I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things...it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. I was angry, I was upset, I was hurt, I was shocked, I was just all kinds of things built in one. I think two of the hardest things to deal with during that time was that I was having a miscarriage with his child and the fact that I spent over a year with someone that I obviously did not know. He became a different person, I became a different person. I was so in love with this guy and so ready to settle down with him. We had everything planned. And then it just ended. It didn't help that I was going through a miscarriage through all of this. I felt helpless. I felt like no amount of advice anyone was giving me was enough. They couldn't take my pain or hurt or anger away although I wanted so badly for someone ANYONE to do that for me. I didn't know who to talk to. I talked, believe me I talked, but it didn't matter how much I talked about it. No one could give me the answers to learn how to deal with any of it and move on. I eventually just stopped talking as I felt people were trying to avoid me because it was like every time I hung out with friends, we always talked about two things: my break up and my miscarriage. I felt it getting old to my friends ...so I just shut down. I yelled and screamed and asked God why. I got mad at God. And then I got even more angry for being angry.
But then I woke up one day a few weeks later and decided to stop everything. Stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being angry and upset and hurt, stop moping around...and do something about it, and trust me, it was easier said than done. I've always gone to church. I would say I have a strong relationship with God...but that relationship was soon going to become stronger. I prayed, boy did I pray so hard! I prayed for God to just give me the answers, asked him what to do, cried out to Him to take this pain away from me, asked him to give me strength and patience and guidance and reassurance that everything was going to be okay. I just prayed. I became a different person. I became stronger. I realized that the whole time I was talking and letting it all go, that I was talking to the wrong person. I was letting go but not putting it in God's hands. And that day, that's exactly what I did. I let go of my anger, my hurt, my brokenness, everything...and put it all in God's hands.
I started to realize that the relationship I was in was never a good one from the start. I was being controlled, I was verbally abused, I lied, I snuck around, I did things that I would NEVER do, I pushed God away, and I became weak...all for a guy who "loved" me. And no one knew about it. You do stupid things when you're in love. I was blind and then became blind sided. And when it ended, I learned so much. Not just about him, but about myself. I would tell myself that I didn't deserve the stuff I had been through with this guy. I didn't deserve the verbal abuse, the drama, the things he pressured me into, none of it. But then, I'd miss him. I didn't miss him as a person, but I missed being held, missed being told I was beautiful by someone, missed being with someone, I missed everything that came with a relationship...or what was supposed to come from one. So I decided to make a list of pros and cons. I wrote until I couldn't any more. After I was done, I sat under the tree where him and I would always have picnics. The same tree where we were going to get married under the following year. I sat under that tree, cried, read the list I had made, cried some more, and then set the list on fire and watched it burn. It felt good and it's what I needed.
Afterwards, I started going out with my friends since I wasn't allowed to do that before without my phone blowing up or without getting yelled at by him. I went out, I had a few drinks with friends, and I had fun. More fun than I ever had in a very long time. I was proud of myself. Although it hurt seeing girls with their boyfriends and how sweet they were, I was doing me. I was putting myself and God first. I wasn't rushing to find another boyfriend. I was trusting God and letting that right person come to me, instead of searching for him.
Along with that pros and cons list I wrote out, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a boyfriend. I listed out things like what I'd deal with and what I wouldn't. I listed qualities like being a gentlemen and opening doors for me, not asking me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, someone who could have fun, someone who would love me for me and not for what I do for them, someone who likes to cuddle where it wouldn't lead to anything, pretty much this perfect guy. I wanted a MAN and not a boy. Being patient isn't in my vocab what so ever. But I forced myself to be patient. And that's when God brought me TC.
The beginning of May, I started talking to a guy named Todd (TC for short). A friend gave him my number and we just started talking. And as much as I HATED myself for doing so, I opened up to TC. Told him a lot about what I had just gone through a month prior to talking to him. And of course after I did so, I could have buried myself in a hole because I felt like I just scared him off. I felt like he was thinking, "oh wow, this girl has a lot of baggage." But he didn't. We talked about simple things. He talked about video games and cars and how he was going to get me on an airplane even if I was kicking and screaming. (I'm terrified of planes FYI). And of course I don't play video games, I know absolutely nothing about cars, and I will not REPEAT WILL NOT get on an airplane to save my life! Lol! Me: "I love heights!" TC: "I am perfectly happy with my feet firmly on the ground." Me: "But yet, I haven't flown in an airplane...and I never will!" TC: "Yes you will. Even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming." Me: "You'll have to roofie my ass!" TC: "Do you have any idea how expensive roofies are these days?" Me: "Less expensive than that plane ticket I assure you." Lol! I love that conversation. It felt so comfortable talking to him. No awkwardness, no quietness, nothing of that sort.
I still remember to this day where he came up to Lizard's Thicket where I was working at the time. He sat down to eat around 7:30-8:00. He sat right where I could see him, but I didn't know it was him because we hadn't met yet. The whole time, I kept telling my friend Alana who worked with me, "I know that guy from somewhere." After he was done eating, he came up to the counter, I rang his food up, and he walked out of the door. I turned to Alana telling her, "I think I know that guy...but I've never met him in person. Sounds strange, I know." A few minutes later, I got a text from TC. He said, "I was just in Lizard's Thicket. You just rang me up." Haha I knew it! I got off of work ready to head to Alana's house so we could go out. As I was getting in my car, TC texted me saying he had waited on me to get off of work. He waited an hour! Some people would have thought that was a little creepy and to be honest, I did at first but I thought it was sweet. We sat in the parking lot, smoked a cigarette, and just talked for a few minutes. He then followed me to Alana's house where we talked some more.
On May 21st, we had our first date. TC and I met up at Grecian Gardens. TC is horrible with directions so we took separate cars lol. We had a nice dinner. We talked, no we really cracked up most of the time talking about funny stories and what not. I loved it. Again, no awkwardness, no quietness, no nothing. After dinner, it was still early so we sat in the back of his truck and talked some more. Then we decided that we were going to go to the movies. We got to the movies and they were closed so we decided to go to Wings N Ale to play pool instead. I hadn't played pool in quite some time and didn't know how to properly play any way...so TC taught me (and yes, he did the whole "go behind a girl and teach her how to hold the pool stick" kinda thing lol). We sat up there for a few hours playing pool and playing some games. He even won me prizes in the little claw machines. We then went outside, sat on my car, and just talked. I was so hoping that he'd kiss me...but he didn't. Lol!
We went on 2 more dates after that. TC likes to go on 3 dates before he decides to pursue anything else. We hung out at his friend AJ's house a lot. That's where we really got to know each other. That's where we had our first kiss. That's where we first...never mind lol. We learned so much about each other. He made me feel so special and I was so comfortable with him. I loved his dorkyness and how he would just want to cuddle and hold me.
On June 8th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He asked me over text (I know cheesy but we were both so busy that week). He then went to AT for 2 weeks a few days later. Those 2 weeks were the longest 2 weeks of my life! Lol! That's when he told me he had fallen in love with me. To hear those words was just so unreal. I just never thought that I'd fall in love with another person so quickly after a break up. He got back home from AT and that's when I knew he was going to be special to me.
Things went fast very quickly. We found out we were pregnant mid August. We were terrified. We didn't know how to tell people. We were just shocked. But we sat down together and vowed to be by each other no matter what. And look at us now. We're about to have a baby boy in a just a few short weeks, we have a house together, and we're happy.
A lot of people have told me that you can't fall in love with someone that quick. A lot of people tell me that TC and I are just together because we're having a baby, that it's forcing us to be together. And a lot of people tell me that we won't last, that we're just in "happy baby mode" where we're happy but to just wait until after that baby is born and we will drift apart....well I don't believe any of that nonsense. No one knows what TC and I have between one another...and no one has to know because it doesn't matter what they think. TC has never made me doubt his love for me. He's never done anything to make me not trust him. He has loved me for me. He has taken such good care of me since day one. He's been protective over me where it isn't a concern. He has never raised his voice at me or degraded me. He has never made me do things or go places where I'm not comfortable. He's never controlled who I talk to or where I go. He's never gotten mad at me for stupid little things. We've never been in a fight where we have screamed and yelled at each other, and we've never walked away from each other without settling our problems. He has been nothing but supportive, loving, sweet, caring, trustworthy, and everything I have ever wanted from a man. And the only thing TC has ever broken of mine is the walls that I've built up.
God knew what kind of man I needed in my life and He gave me the perfect one. TC has broken down those walls that I have built up all of my life. He makes me laugh with his dorky self. He surprises me in some way every day whether it be bringing me flowers for no reason, making me dinner, jumping on the bed and starting a tickle fight, making a picnic in our living room, cleaning the house for me, or taking me somewhere special even if it's to the park. He holds me when I'm sad or upset, he works his butt off to support me and Grayson, he makes time for me, he puts me first above anything and anyone else, he tells me every single day how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, and he treats me like I need to be treated...like I'm the only girl in this world because to him, I am. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has become my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait until our son comes into this world. The puzzle will be complete then.
I'm glad God opened my eyes about my previous relationship. As much as I thought he was the one, he wasn't and God soon made me realize that. God brought me TC at the perfect time. And it's not that I needed a man in my life to complete me. No, not that at all. God just knew when the perfect time was to bring me the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. I'm so happy and content right now and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I am beyond blessed. <3
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Busy Busy Bees!
Phew! I haven't updated this thing since the end of January. No apologies. It's been mad crazy getting everything settled from our move, getting stuff ready for Grayson, and my photography.
We're finally settled into our new home. We have everything unpacked, put away, organized, and decorated. It's been crazy! AND we FINALLY got Grayson's nursery fully ready! We bought his crib 2 weeks ago, got it set up and placed where we want it, and got decorations put up on his wall. We even have all of his clothes, bibs, hats, socks, towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. washed and organized in his closet. My Aunt Lisa and cousin, Laura, threw me a baby shower this past weekend (March 2nd) and we got a ton of things! I'm so thankful for everyone who came and gave us gifts. Yall are truly awesome and Grayson is spoiled rotten! Lol! I think my favorite gift was definitely Grayson's little sock monkey booties! Tehe! They're too cute! (thanks Ms. Terry, Alex, and Kim). TC's favorite thing was of course our video monitors. He installed those suckers right away like a good Daddy. He was a little too excited over them lol (thank you, Nanie).
Grayson has been a little active nugget lately. So active that he's made me have contractions that have landed me in the hospital twice now! Pheww this child is gonna be one little pushy thing I tell ya! He's already showing Daddy who's boss by kicking the ever living snot outta him when he goes and tries to hold me. Haha I have a feeling that Grayson and Daddy will be fighting for my attention A LOT! lol!
My daddy's in town this week and has been staying with TC and I. The night he got here, we went to Apple Bees for some late night food and just cracked up at my dad for putting too much hot sauce in his pasta. It was so funny! There's never a dull moment when my daddy's here. Yesterday, me and my dad went to my sister's house to see her and Elizabeth and I'll tell you what, Elizabeth was a mean little thing to my dad lol. He kept messing with her so bad though! She just didn't wanna share anything with him and kept telling him, "NO!" lol it was too funny! Miss sassy pants at her finest!
We had a doctor's appointment this morning for a regular check-up for Grayson. Just the normal checking of the heart beat, measuring of my tummy, and answering any questions we had. Since my dad is in town this week, he came with us since I knew he would want to hear Grayson's heart beat. Of course my dad teared up lol. Such a sap! Poor TC had to work in NC from 3 yesterday afternoon until 3 this morning and didn't get home until 5 this morning. So he was exhausted anod did not want to get up this morning but being the good Daddy he is, he got up without a problem and went to the doctor's appointment. He hasn't missed one yet and refuses to no matter if he didn't get any sleep or not. He's been so good with this pregnancy!
Doctor's appointment went well. I'm measuring at 33 weeks which is exactly what my ultrasounds have measured me at. But they've told me to expect him early since I am so short and his space is getting even more limited than normal. I told them that watch his little stubborn self be LATE! Nah! I guarantee he'll be here in 4 weeks (April 6th or 7th). TC and I have said that from the get go since our son is already a little smart ass like his Daddy. TC has drill on April 6th and 7th and will be about 2 hours away so THAT'S when Grayson will decide to come just you watch! Lol! I've already gotten my predictions in that he'll be here in 4 weeks, weighing in at 8 pounds and 4 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. Yup!
It's been a crazy week! Back to editing pictures I go :)
We're finally settled into our new home. We have everything unpacked, put away, organized, and decorated. It's been crazy! AND we FINALLY got Grayson's nursery fully ready! We bought his crib 2 weeks ago, got it set up and placed where we want it, and got decorations put up on his wall. We even have all of his clothes, bibs, hats, socks, towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. washed and organized in his closet. My Aunt Lisa and cousin, Laura, threw me a baby shower this past weekend (March 2nd) and we got a ton of things! I'm so thankful for everyone who came and gave us gifts. Yall are truly awesome and Grayson is spoiled rotten! Lol! I think my favorite gift was definitely Grayson's little sock monkey booties! Tehe! They're too cute! (thanks Ms. Terry, Alex, and Kim). TC's favorite thing was of course our video monitors. He installed those suckers right away like a good Daddy. He was a little too excited over them lol (thank you, Nanie).
Grayson has been a little active nugget lately. So active that he's made me have contractions that have landed me in the hospital twice now! Pheww this child is gonna be one little pushy thing I tell ya! He's already showing Daddy who's boss by kicking the ever living snot outta him when he goes and tries to hold me. Haha I have a feeling that Grayson and Daddy will be fighting for my attention A LOT! lol!
My daddy's in town this week and has been staying with TC and I. The night he got here, we went to Apple Bees for some late night food and just cracked up at my dad for putting too much hot sauce in his pasta. It was so funny! There's never a dull moment when my daddy's here. Yesterday, me and my dad went to my sister's house to see her and Elizabeth and I'll tell you what, Elizabeth was a mean little thing to my dad lol. He kept messing with her so bad though! She just didn't wanna share anything with him and kept telling him, "NO!" lol it was too funny! Miss sassy pants at her finest!
We had a doctor's appointment this morning for a regular check-up for Grayson. Just the normal checking of the heart beat, measuring of my tummy, and answering any questions we had. Since my dad is in town this week, he came with us since I knew he would want to hear Grayson's heart beat. Of course my dad teared up lol. Such a sap! Poor TC had to work in NC from 3 yesterday afternoon until 3 this morning and didn't get home until 5 this morning. So he was exhausted anod did not want to get up this morning but being the good Daddy he is, he got up without a problem and went to the doctor's appointment. He hasn't missed one yet and refuses to no matter if he didn't get any sleep or not. He's been so good with this pregnancy!
Doctor's appointment went well. I'm measuring at 33 weeks which is exactly what my ultrasounds have measured me at. But they've told me to expect him early since I am so short and his space is getting even more limited than normal. I told them that watch his little stubborn self be LATE! Nah! I guarantee he'll be here in 4 weeks (April 6th or 7th). TC and I have said that from the get go since our son is already a little smart ass like his Daddy. TC has drill on April 6th and 7th and will be about 2 hours away so THAT'S when Grayson will decide to come just you watch! Lol! I've already gotten my predictions in that he'll be here in 4 weeks, weighing in at 8 pounds and 4 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. Yup!
It's been a crazy week! Back to editing pictures I go :)
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