One year ago today, I was going through a miscarriage...all by myself. Not because I didn't have anyone there to help me but because I was having a hard time and just wanted to be left alone. God sure did pick a good day for this to happen because I seriously thought it was an April Fools joke. I had known that I was pregnant but didn't believe it because Steven and I kept thinking we were pregnant every other month since I was having female problems thanks to what I believe to be all the medicine I was taking for epilepsy when I found out I didn't have epilepsy exactly a year prior to having this miscarriage. April really isn't my month if you haven't caught on by now.
So here I stood. Not knowing what my body was doing but knowing it wasn't good. I was terrified and didn't know what to really do but sit on the toilet and let it pass on its own...and it did and then I was fine. Well, my body was fine but my emotions were everywhere. Here I was already distraught over a breakup that happened 2 days before...and then this. I kept asking myself if God hated me and asked why this was happening to me and so fast at that. I just didn't understand. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. And looking back at it now, it still feels that way. It feels like it was a dream. There's no way I had gone through all of that so strongly. Of course there were times that I just felt like giving up and felt like I had given up...but God pushed me through after I realized that I needed to give Him my problems and not give them to other people.
As I write this, I think about how God works in mysterious and funny ways. 2 months after my breakup, God brought me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. 3 months after that, we found out we were going to have a baby. About 4 months after that, we find out we're having a baby boy. 3 months after that, we move into our new house. I am happy. I am content. And even though my heart hasn't fully healed from last year, my heart is content where it is no matter what my head decides to tell me.
I've recently started seeing a counselor to help me with my past. From being a child and dealing with my daddy's anger. From coping with my mom and dad's divorce to dealing with my dad's and stepmom's. From the molestation I hid from middle school until college to dealing with all of this through high school with a smile on my face. From my breakup and miscarriage with Steven to my life now with TC and Grayson. It's been hard to talk about it all and those are just a few things we talk about. And through all of it, I've put a smile on my face whether it's been forced or not. I've chose to be strong through it all as it's happening although I have felt like giving up and becoming weak. All of this stuff I've been through has taken a toll on me. It's the reason why I have a conversion disorder where I have seizure-like activity called "events'. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm overcoming it.
As I think about all these amazing things that have happened to me the past year and think about how my life has turned a switch, I also think about something else. When you fall in love with someone, when you decide amongst each other that you're going to spend the rest of your life with each other, when you plan out everything for that special day where the two of you will tell one another how you feel in front of so many people....and when it all ends, you still think about that person. You still love that person. And yes, I admit, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Steven. I will always love him. But I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago...before we ever even broke up. TC knows all of this. He knows exactly how I feel and he understands. He understood before he even agreed to date me and before he even thought about spending the rest of his life with me.
I have moved on. Steven has moved on. And I'm happy that we have because we just weren't meant to be together no matter what we thought. I hold no grudges or anger towards him anymore. I found someone and he found someone. And what's funny is we both moved on so fast. So fast that both of us are having babies in April. And that's what's so ironic about this year.
On April 1, 2012, I had a miscarriage with Steven's baby. On April 1, 2013, he introduced his son into this world. And as much as it hurts to think about my miscarriage again after I have let it go and moved on but also will never forget it, I find a little peace knowing that exactly one year, God brought a new life into this world. He could have picked any other day out of of the year and He chose this one. I dare someone to tell me there isn't a God now. He works in mysterious and funny ways, and no one can tell me differently.
April isn't a good month for me. Hasn't been for awhile now. But it's funny all at the same time: April 12, 1986 my parents got married. My daddy left us on March 5, 2001 and didn't get in touch with us until April of that same year. April 12, 2011, I went down to Charleston for testing and for a surgical procedure. I was there for 3 days and found out I didn't have epilepsy and didn't need that surgery but instead I had a conversion disorder which made me have mimicked seizures called "events". On March 5, 2011 Steven and I sat down and decided that we were going to get married on April 20, 2013. March 30, 2012 Steven and I broke up. April 1, 2012 I had that miscarriage. On September 6, 2012 TC and I listened to our baby's heart beat for the first time and were told that our baby's due date will be April 20, 2013. And on April 1, 2013 Steven introduced his son into the world.
These dates may not be of any importance to any of you...but they are for me. Because although April has never been a good month for me, it's been a great one all at the same time....and that's the only month that does that to me.
As I look back at my life the past year, I let go. All of this weight on my shoulders has been lifted off and placed in God's hands....and I couldn't be more thankful. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up because the weight of the world is just so heavy. Some days I don't feel strong. Some days I get down and don't want to talk to anyone....but I overcome those days. I take it day by day and let it all go. I let go and let God. April "showers" bring May "flowers" <3
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