Heartbroken

That's how I feel and I don't know how to shake it. TC returned to drill this afternoon with news that I wish would just go away. Not only is he being forced into deploying in August to Afghanistan, he has to be at AT (annual training) at McCrady in Eastover, SC for 21 days starting May 10th. Grayson will be only be 2 weeks old. So not only will TC be missing out on a year of Grayson's life, he will miss out on 21 days that he could be bonding with his son before he gets deployed. When will the bad news stop? The past few weeks have just been so hard on me as it is and now this. It's one thing after another and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel helpless. I'm angry, upset, and just hurt so bad! It feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. How am I going to raise Grayson on my own without TC? How am I going to stay strong for not only myself and Grayson but for TC too? I know I have so many wonderful family members and a few friends to help me with Grayson and to be there for me...but this house won't be a home without TC. No matter what anyone says or does, it won't bring TC in my arms. I need him. I can't imagine a day without him let alone a year....or those 21 days. I seriously don't know how military wives do it. I know this is what came with the package of dating and marrying a soldier but this is just so hard! It's even harder on me because of Grayson. That's who I'm worried about the most. I'd be able to cope with TC leaving ME for a year...but not our sweet innocent son who's going to be too young to understand why he doesn't have a daddy for a year. I'm so afraid that once TC comes home that Grayson will be scared of TC because he won't know him. TC's gonna miss so much! He's going to miss Mother's Day, our anniversary, his birthday, my birthday, Grayson's first Halloween, Grayson's first Christmas, Grayson's first Easter, Grayson's first birthday. He's going to miss the first time Grayson laughs, rolls over on his own, his first steps, his first words, so many milestones that a daddy shouldn't have to miss. And I know I need to stay positive but I can't help but to think what's going to happen to us if TC doesn't make it home alive. I try not to think about that the most but that's what I'm really scared of. I won't know where he is, what he's doing, when he's going to call, whether he's ok or not, nothing! And it hurts so bad not knowing what's going on with the man you love so much!

This is the only place where I've talked to about this besides talking to my family about it...and even then some of them don't know what's going on right now. I refuse to post anything on Facebook about it right now because I don't have the strength to deal with peoples' smart ass remarks. I don't have the strength to hear people tell me everything will be ok, that I have so many people who will support me, how time will fly by, and how at least TC will be here for the birth of his son. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me it could be worse. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me I knew this was coming and this is what comes with the package of marrying TC. And I really don't have the strength of people telling me they know how I feel because they have family members going through it. No, you don't know what I'm going through! Even if someone was going through the same exact thing as me, everyone copes with things differently....everyone handles things differently. I wish people would just tell me, "I'm here for you," instead of telling me they know how I feel and telling me things I just don't wanna hear at any given point in time. It's just frustrating beyond measure!

I'm trying to stay happy. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying not to be an emotional basket case every time I think about this or every time TC and I talk about it....but I can't help but to be in this depressing mood no matter how much I'm trying so hard to be happy and to focus on the time we have until he does leave. I'm trying so hard and it hurts that I can't make myself be happy and just stop worrying until the day comes where he does leave. I should be focusing on the birth of our son and how happy we're going to be once he gets here...but I can't even focus on that right now and I hate it! I hate it so much! I just wish someone ANYONE could take this heartache from me. This sucks so bad it's not even funny!

If everyone could just pray for us. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. TC's terrified! I feel helpless. I'm crying out to God to just take this pain away from me and make me strong and just make everything ok. I have to trust in that. That's the only thing I do trust right now. <3