Just One Day

I just want one day where I can spend with TC without any distractions, bad news, phone calls, texts, nothing. Just me and him. I just want one day that goes our way for a change. One day where we can just be ourselves with each other.

Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!

Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.

As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!

TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.

God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!