Things I can't wait to do/be able to do again after Grayson is born:
- Be able to breathe again! Haha not having feet in my ribs will not only feel awesome but feel weird all at the same time when that's all I've been used to half of my pregnancy. Yay for being short as crap!
- Fit into my clothes! Seriously NONE of my shirts fit anymore and I only own ONE pair of maternity pants that get washed on a daily basis! haha!
- All of this swelling will go down. I look like Fred Flinstone with these HUGE feet and legs! I never knew how swollen my legs and feet could get.
- Be able to feel my hands! At least I HOPE! Grayson LOVES to sit on the right nerve where my fingers just go numb. I haven't been able to feel 2 of my finger tips in 2 months! That and I keep dropping things because I can't feel that I'm holding them lol
- I know this sounds REALLY bad and I haven't missed it all, but I'm totally making a Peach Flip (peaches, lemonade, and vodka). I'm not a big alcohol drinker and when I did drink before I got pregnant, I drank the GIRLEST drinks ever that had hardly any alcohol in it. This will be my celebratory drink since TC's gonna have his dang cigar! haha!
- Do a cartwheel. You THINK I'm playin?!?!
- No longer being a turtle on its back. I seriously get stuck on the couch and TC picks on me. My back will just lock up and since I'm so short and my belly is so big, it doesn't help the fact I can't get up outta bed or up from the couch lol
- Be able to paint my toe nails, shave my legs, and see my hoo-ha! haha YES this is exciting! But I must say that I haven't had to shave my legs since November! The hair on my legs just won't grow anymore. One of many things I'm gonna miss about pregnancy.
- Go to Carowinds and ride roller coasters. Last summer, my daddy took TC, Dakota, and I to Carowinds and we rode every single roller coaster in that park. Then a few days later, I found out I was pregnant and flipped crap! I seriously thought I hurt Grayson and felt horrible that I got on these roller coaster and didn't know I was pregnant. Luckily, he was too tiny to cause any damage. Maybe THAT'S why he's a little mover lol. But no, I'll definitely be glad to go back and be able to ride roller coasters without feeling horrible afterwards! :)
- Dress myself without getting winded and without having any assistance. I seriously feel like I just ran a marathon after I attempt to put my pants and socks on. Most days, TC has to help me but the days where he's at work, it literally takes me 10 minutes to put my pants and socks on when normally it only takes me less than a minute! Pheww I'm exhausted just thinking about it! Lol!
- Not being blamed for when TC farts in public! Seriously I could kill him! He'll fart in public RIGHT NEAR someone may I add and he'll walk away to another isle. The person who smells it will look at me with the most pitiful look like, "oh, you poor gassy pregnant girl. It's ok!" I find TC on the next isle laughing his ass off and I smack the shit outta him! Lol!
Things I'm gonna miss about being pregnant:
- Feeling Grayson move. And boy, he is a mover! Some days it hurts, but most days I absolutely love feeling him kick. It amazes me, makes my days a whole lot better, and amuses the crap outta me lol! Even my doctors are amazed at how much he moves but sometimes that gets us in trouble when they can't catch him to get his heart beat. Little stinker!
- TC feeling my belly and cuddling on top of my tummy while Grayson kicks the mess outta him. I'm DEFINITELY gonna miss this! It's so sweet and makes me cry sometimes. TC is so in love with his son it's unbearably cute!
- Not having to bend down and pick something up because someone else does it for me haha I know I'm bad! lol But seriously who likes picking up something 4 million times off of the floor because they're clumsy as crap?!?! I sure as hell don't! lol
- Being able to eat the strangest foods without a word being said. You do that crap when you're NOT preggers and people think you've lost your damn mind lol TC gave me ONE weird look with something strange I ate when I first found out I was pregnant and has never given me a strange look ever again. I think he's scared bahaha!
- Having all this energy to do things like clean, cook, and organize. Nesting at its finest but I've been nesting since my 1st trimester. It's quite embarrassing but hey at least my house is cleaned and organize AND at least TC can say he has food in his belly! Lol!
- Sleeping whenever I want and no one questioning it because pregnancy wears your ass out! TC would always ask me what the hell I do during the day and I always tell him, "I made an arm today! Wait wait! Just made a toe!" haha it's hard work, yo!
- Wheeling around in the Walmart scooters when my feet are too swollen to walk
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
We've Got This Shit
Ever since TC and I started dating, he's always told me, "we've got this shit!" And I know we do.
This weekend has been a hard one. Not only did we get the news of TC's deployment and the fact he'll be gone for 23 days for AT starting May 10th just 2 weeks after Grayson is born, I got some news at the doctor's office. Nothing that I want to discuss right now until I know for sure what's going on and know exactly what my doctor wants to do. Just need a lot of prayers right now.
Yesterday after TC got off of work, we sat down and talked. And while we talked, we agreed to get married sooner than we wanted to. The past couple of months, his Sargeant has mentioned deployment. When we heard of this back in January, we decided we were going to go up to the court house in July and get married. We were gonna wait until after Grayson was born so we wouldn't have to deal with all the chaos of changing my name on everything. That and so I'd have more benefits in the long run.
Instead of waiting, I told TC that I really wanted to get married before Grayson was born so that all 3 of us have the same last name on his birth certificate. So we went up to the court house yesterday and signed a marriage license. We are going Friday to actually get married.
So many people keep asking me why we chose to do this so last minute and just a week shy of Grayson getting born. They keep asking why we didn't do it sooner. Well frankly, we don't have to have a reason why we do the things we do. I thought long and hard about this. I want Grayson to grow up knowing that me and his daddy love each other and I know we don't have to have a piece of paper saying we're married to prove that but I wanted all 3 of us to have the same last name. We didn't get married just because we're having a baby like everyone thinks. TC and I love each other very much. We were in no rush to get married until we found out about his deployment.
This weekend has just been full of bad news after bad news and we wanted something to cheer us up. I know that sounds bad but we're not going to regret this. We're not going to look back and be like, "dang with all of that bad news we got, we shouldn't have gotten married JUST to cheer us up." No, we're not going to see it that way. I look at it this way: we were going to get married any way whether it be in July or years down the road. Even if he winds up not deploying, we were still going to get married in July. But we thought why not just do it now, get it out of the way, and focus on Grayson the rest of the way. So we just went ahead and made it official.
Now with that said, once TC returns home from deploying, we're going to have a big reception with all of our friends and family so no worries. I've never been the type of person to just get married at a court house. I've always wanted that dream wedding and we'll be able to do that once he returns. We just don't have the time or money to do it before he deploys because it's so soon.
I couldn't be happier right now. I wouldn't want to spend my life with any other man but TC. Yall already know how I feel about him so I'll save yall from reading all kinds of lovey dovey gushy things lol.
Grayson will be coming into this world April 24th. I'll be going into the hospital the night of the 23rd to get medicine to jump start labor, and then I'll be induced the morning of the 24th and have Grayson some time that day. We can't wait! With all of this bad news we keep getting, we've lost sight of the fact our on will be here in a week! It seriously doesn't feel like we have just a short week before we become a family of 3. It's so surreal. It still feels like yesterday that we told everyone I was pregnant. We couldn't be more ready to meet our son's sweet face. We're beyond happy and excited and anxious! <3
We've got this shit! :D
This weekend has been a hard one. Not only did we get the news of TC's deployment and the fact he'll be gone for 23 days for AT starting May 10th just 2 weeks after Grayson is born, I got some news at the doctor's office. Nothing that I want to discuss right now until I know for sure what's going on and know exactly what my doctor wants to do. Just need a lot of prayers right now.
Yesterday after TC got off of work, we sat down and talked. And while we talked, we agreed to get married sooner than we wanted to. The past couple of months, his Sargeant has mentioned deployment. When we heard of this back in January, we decided we were going to go up to the court house in July and get married. We were gonna wait until after Grayson was born so we wouldn't have to deal with all the chaos of changing my name on everything. That and so I'd have more benefits in the long run.
Instead of waiting, I told TC that I really wanted to get married before Grayson was born so that all 3 of us have the same last name on his birth certificate. So we went up to the court house yesterday and signed a marriage license. We are going Friday to actually get married.
So many people keep asking me why we chose to do this so last minute and just a week shy of Grayson getting born. They keep asking why we didn't do it sooner. Well frankly, we don't have to have a reason why we do the things we do. I thought long and hard about this. I want Grayson to grow up knowing that me and his daddy love each other and I know we don't have to have a piece of paper saying we're married to prove that but I wanted all 3 of us to have the same last name. We didn't get married just because we're having a baby like everyone thinks. TC and I love each other very much. We were in no rush to get married until we found out about his deployment.
This weekend has just been full of bad news after bad news and we wanted something to cheer us up. I know that sounds bad but we're not going to regret this. We're not going to look back and be like, "dang with all of that bad news we got, we shouldn't have gotten married JUST to cheer us up." No, we're not going to see it that way. I look at it this way: we were going to get married any way whether it be in July or years down the road. Even if he winds up not deploying, we were still going to get married in July. But we thought why not just do it now, get it out of the way, and focus on Grayson the rest of the way. So we just went ahead and made it official.
Now with that said, once TC returns home from deploying, we're going to have a big reception with all of our friends and family so no worries. I've never been the type of person to just get married at a court house. I've always wanted that dream wedding and we'll be able to do that once he returns. We just don't have the time or money to do it before he deploys because it's so soon.
I couldn't be happier right now. I wouldn't want to spend my life with any other man but TC. Yall already know how I feel about him so I'll save yall from reading all kinds of lovey dovey gushy things lol.
Grayson will be coming into this world April 24th. I'll be going into the hospital the night of the 23rd to get medicine to jump start labor, and then I'll be induced the morning of the 24th and have Grayson some time that day. We can't wait! With all of this bad news we keep getting, we've lost sight of the fact our on will be here in a week! It seriously doesn't feel like we have just a short week before we become a family of 3. It's so surreal. It still feels like yesterday that we told everyone I was pregnant. We couldn't be more ready to meet our son's sweet face. We're beyond happy and excited and anxious! <3
We've got this shit! :D
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Heartbroken
That's how I feel and I don't know how to shake it. TC returned to drill this afternoon with news that I wish would just go away. Not only is he being forced into deploying in August to Afghanistan, he has to be at AT (annual training) at McCrady in Eastover, SC for 21 days starting May 10th. Grayson will be only be 2 weeks old. So not only will TC be missing out on a year of Grayson's life, he will miss out on 21 days that he could be bonding with his son before he gets deployed. When will the bad news stop? The past few weeks have just been so hard on me as it is and now this. It's one thing after another and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel helpless. I'm angry, upset, and just hurt so bad! It feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. How am I going to raise Grayson on my own without TC? How am I going to stay strong for not only myself and Grayson but for TC too? I know I have so many wonderful family members and a few friends to help me with Grayson and to be there for me...but this house won't be a home without TC. No matter what anyone says or does, it won't bring TC in my arms. I need him. I can't imagine a day without him let alone a year....or those 21 days. I seriously don't know how military wives do it. I know this is what came with the package of dating and marrying a soldier but this is just so hard! It's even harder on me because of Grayson. That's who I'm worried about the most. I'd be able to cope with TC leaving ME for a year...but not our sweet innocent son who's going to be too young to understand why he doesn't have a daddy for a year. I'm so afraid that once TC comes home that Grayson will be scared of TC because he won't know him. TC's gonna miss so much! He's going to miss Mother's Day, our anniversary, his birthday, my birthday, Grayson's first Halloween, Grayson's first Christmas, Grayson's first Easter, Grayson's first birthday. He's going to miss the first time Grayson laughs, rolls over on his own, his first steps, his first words, so many milestones that a daddy shouldn't have to miss. And I know I need to stay positive but I can't help but to think what's going to happen to us if TC doesn't make it home alive. I try not to think about that the most but that's what I'm really scared of. I won't know where he is, what he's doing, when he's going to call, whether he's ok or not, nothing! And it hurts so bad not knowing what's going on with the man you love so much!
This is the only place where I've talked to about this besides talking to my family about it...and even then some of them don't know what's going on right now. I refuse to post anything on Facebook about it right now because I don't have the strength to deal with peoples' smart ass remarks. I don't have the strength to hear people tell me everything will be ok, that I have so many people who will support me, how time will fly by, and how at least TC will be here for the birth of his son. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me it could be worse. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me I knew this was coming and this is what comes with the package of marrying TC. And I really don't have the strength of people telling me they know how I feel because they have family members going through it. No, you don't know what I'm going through! Even if someone was going through the same exact thing as me, everyone copes with things differently....everyone handles things differently. I wish people would just tell me, "I'm here for you," instead of telling me they know how I feel and telling me things I just don't wanna hear at any given point in time. It's just frustrating beyond measure!
I'm trying to stay happy. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying not to be an emotional basket case every time I think about this or every time TC and I talk about it....but I can't help but to be in this depressing mood no matter how much I'm trying so hard to be happy and to focus on the time we have until he does leave. I'm trying so hard and it hurts that I can't make myself be happy and just stop worrying until the day comes where he does leave. I should be focusing on the birth of our son and how happy we're going to be once he gets here...but I can't even focus on that right now and I hate it! I hate it so much! I just wish someone ANYONE could take this heartache from me. This sucks so bad it's not even funny!
If everyone could just pray for us. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. TC's terrified! I feel helpless. I'm crying out to God to just take this pain away from me and make me strong and just make everything ok. I have to trust in that. That's the only thing I do trust right now. <3
This is the only place where I've talked to about this besides talking to my family about it...and even then some of them don't know what's going on right now. I refuse to post anything on Facebook about it right now because I don't have the strength to deal with peoples' smart ass remarks. I don't have the strength to hear people tell me everything will be ok, that I have so many people who will support me, how time will fly by, and how at least TC will be here for the birth of his son. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me it could be worse. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me I knew this was coming and this is what comes with the package of marrying TC. And I really don't have the strength of people telling me they know how I feel because they have family members going through it. No, you don't know what I'm going through! Even if someone was going through the same exact thing as me, everyone copes with things differently....everyone handles things differently. I wish people would just tell me, "I'm here for you," instead of telling me they know how I feel and telling me things I just don't wanna hear at any given point in time. It's just frustrating beyond measure!
I'm trying to stay happy. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying not to be an emotional basket case every time I think about this or every time TC and I talk about it....but I can't help but to be in this depressing mood no matter how much I'm trying so hard to be happy and to focus on the time we have until he does leave. I'm trying so hard and it hurts that I can't make myself be happy and just stop worrying until the day comes where he does leave. I should be focusing on the birth of our son and how happy we're going to be once he gets here...but I can't even focus on that right now and I hate it! I hate it so much! I just wish someone ANYONE could take this heartache from me. This sucks so bad it's not even funny!
If everyone could just pray for us. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. TC's terrified! I feel helpless. I'm crying out to God to just take this pain away from me and make me strong and just make everything ok. I have to trust in that. That's the only thing I do trust right now. <3
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I don't listen very well at all. Everyone should know by now I'm stubborn as hell. Have been since the day I was born. My doctor told me that I pretty much need to be on bed rest this weekend because my feet and legs are just THAT swollen. She said, "I know it's gonna be a nice weekend and all but you need to stay indoors, get off of your feet, and relax." Well what am I doing? Totally not listening! Lol! I'm outside on the shaded porch WITH my legs propped up. So :P
I'm just sitting out here enjoying the weather and hearing all the birds chirp. My yard is beautiful and I love it here! TC is at drill (hopefully behaving himself and NOT showing his ass lol) and I miss him. When he's at work at RGIS, I'm able to enjoy the day, get some cleaning done, and just relax. But when he's at drill, I hate it. I can't stop thinking about him and I miss him so much! It's only 2 days outta the month (sometimes 3) but I can't help but to miss him. I guess it's because he's 2 hours away and I don't know what he's doing. When he's at RGIS, I know he's inventorying some store...but the military is so weird. I don't know if he's in a military vehicle, fixing a military vehicle, or just sitting there being bored as hell like he always tells me he is lol. He hasn't texted me all day and I guess I'm just paranoid.
Grayson should be here any day now and if he isn't, he'll be here the 24th or the 25th because I'll be getting induced. I just want him here. I wanna hold him. I wanna see him with his daddy. I guess I want him here even more because yesterday we were told that TC will be deploying to Afghanistan in August...and I'm scared. I'm scared the next 4 months are going to fly by before my eyes and then the year he'll be gone, it's going to feel like forever! Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and will be 1.5 years old when he returns. It's going to be hard. TC is such a huge part of my life and I don't care if we've only been together a year. Time doesn't matter. I have fallen so much in love with this man it's not even funny. I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to him. I believe I'm strong enough to raise Grayson on my own for a year...but I don't want to. Call me selfish, I don't care. I just don't think it's right that they're taking TC from his son so early. If Grayson was old enough to understand and to remember his daddy, I probably wouldn't make this such a big deal. I just can't picture a day without TC in my life let alone a year. It's killing me to think about it. This news is only a day old and I'm trying not to think about it so much and just spend as much time with TC as I can without moping around or being so upset...but it's hard. I don't want him to go. I love him so much! I never knew I could love a man so much in my life...but TC is so different. He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in this world because to him, I am. I just hope these next 4 months goes by so slow that it drags on and on. I don't think I've ever wanted time to go so slow in my life!
I'm sitting out here just thinking about mine and TC's life together the past year. It seems like it's been way more than a year. I feel like I've spent my whole life with this man. I know things were slow at first and I got so impatient when we first started dating...and then it got so fast when we found out I was pregnant. But we've stuck by each other and we've done so not only because we had an oops moment and made a baby. We've done so because we love each other. We have our moments with each other where we piss one another off, but we have never been in a fight. We've always talked it out and told each other how we feel before we get a chance to scream and yell at each other. And I'm thankful for that communication because I've never had that in a relationship...EVER! He's so different with me. He understands me or at least tries his hardest to understand me (I don't believe a man can ever understand a woman lol). He puts me first above anyone and anything else including himself although sometimes I wish he wouldn't do that. He makes me feel so special even if it's the little things like the way he gently touches me or kisses me. He helps me in every way possible. He supports me in anything and everything I do or want to do and never questions me. He never tells me to think before I wanna do something and if I screw up, he never tells me he told me so and never rubs it in my face that I should have listened to him. I love when he kisses me, touches me, holds me, grabs me and puts me in his arms, plays around with me, makes me feel special, and just how he is there whenever I need him. I love him so much and I couldn't be more thankful for him. I know I don't have to prove my love to him or prove to anyone else my love for him. I guess I just like to brag a little...ok a lot! Lol! I'm just beyond blessed.
Haven't been able to stop listening to this song even if it does make me cry like a baby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTTZ_dRSGhM
Haven't been able to stop listening to this song even if it does make me cry like a baby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTTZ_dRSGhM
Friday, April 12, 2013
Just One Day
I just want one day where I can spend with TC without any distractions, bad news, phone calls, texts, nothing. Just me and him. I just want one day that goes our way for a change. One day where we can just be ourselves with each other.
Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!
Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.
As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!
TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.
God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!
Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!
Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.
As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!
TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.
God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Update On Our Little Nugget :D
Just a little update on Baby Grayson:
I went to the doctor this morning and Grayson weighs 8 pounds and 1 ounce as of right now. He's still too big for me since I'm so short and my hips refuse to expand (the ONE time I WISH and thought I'd have a big booty and nothing). My doctor said that I was just too small for me to push him out naturally BUT I'm still going to opt out for a c-section UNLESS it puts me or Grayson in harm in any way. I so wanna be able to experience child birth. I wanna be able to be the first one to hold him and honestly, I wanna be able to work my ass off and push to bring him into this world. BUT sometimes that doesn't always go as planned. If I'm in too much pain and just can't do it, c-section it is. I guess I'm a little stubborn (ok big time stubborn) and wanna have him naturally because I mean come on, I have been carrying him for 9 months so I think I deserve to be the first one to hold my son lol. But as long as he's healthy and I'm healthy, I don't care how he gets here. I just want him here so bad. I wanna meet my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, and spoil him rotten!
My doctor talked to me about the possibility of being induced on the 24th. My cervix is still closed but I'm dilated at 1 centimeter which is progress since I was only dilated half a centimeter on Monday when I went to the hospital and I've been stuck on half a centimeter for 3 weeks now. My cervix is soft on the outside but closed on the inside so they're gonna keep an eye on that and keep checking me every week. If my cervix doesn't change and I don't have a baby before the 24th, they're gonna give me some medicine the night of the 23rd to help my cervix open and soften and then induce me on the 24th. I couldn't be more excited although my sister will be on vacation and I'm gonna be so sad that she won't be there :( but that's ok. Maybe Grayson will come early, but if not, my sister will see us when she gets back a couple days later.
I just can't wait until he gets here. And as all of you know, I'm a photographer so I really can't wait to get pictures of him. TC always picks on me and says, "you just want him here so you can use him as your baby model!" haha! WRONG!...that's just half of the reason tehe! I really can't wait for my 19 month old niece, Elizabeth, to meet him. She absolutely LOVES babies and has already put Grayson in his place lol. She'll be kissing my belly and Grayson will kick her in the face and she'll give him a nasty look and say, "NOOOO!" Too cute! She loves to pop my stomach and try to feed Grayson through my belly button. She's going to be such a good cousin even if she's a bossy little thing tehe!
So unless Grayson decides to break my water and come early, 13 days and counting until we get to meet our sweet little boy and I can't wait!! Ahhh this is gonna be the longest 13 days of my life!
I went to the doctor this morning and Grayson weighs 8 pounds and 1 ounce as of right now. He's still too big for me since I'm so short and my hips refuse to expand (the ONE time I WISH and thought I'd have a big booty and nothing). My doctor said that I was just too small for me to push him out naturally BUT I'm still going to opt out for a c-section UNLESS it puts me or Grayson in harm in any way. I so wanna be able to experience child birth. I wanna be able to be the first one to hold him and honestly, I wanna be able to work my ass off and push to bring him into this world. BUT sometimes that doesn't always go as planned. If I'm in too much pain and just can't do it, c-section it is. I guess I'm a little stubborn (ok big time stubborn) and wanna have him naturally because I mean come on, I have been carrying him for 9 months so I think I deserve to be the first one to hold my son lol. But as long as he's healthy and I'm healthy, I don't care how he gets here. I just want him here so bad. I wanna meet my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, and spoil him rotten!
My doctor talked to me about the possibility of being induced on the 24th. My cervix is still closed but I'm dilated at 1 centimeter which is progress since I was only dilated half a centimeter on Monday when I went to the hospital and I've been stuck on half a centimeter for 3 weeks now. My cervix is soft on the outside but closed on the inside so they're gonna keep an eye on that and keep checking me every week. If my cervix doesn't change and I don't have a baby before the 24th, they're gonna give me some medicine the night of the 23rd to help my cervix open and soften and then induce me on the 24th. I couldn't be more excited although my sister will be on vacation and I'm gonna be so sad that she won't be there :( but that's ok. Maybe Grayson will come early, but if not, my sister will see us when she gets back a couple days later.
I just can't wait until he gets here. And as all of you know, I'm a photographer so I really can't wait to get pictures of him. TC always picks on me and says, "you just want him here so you can use him as your baby model!" haha! WRONG!...that's just half of the reason tehe! I really can't wait for my 19 month old niece, Elizabeth, to meet him. She absolutely LOVES babies and has already put Grayson in his place lol. She'll be kissing my belly and Grayson will kick her in the face and she'll give him a nasty look and say, "NOOOO!" Too cute! She loves to pop my stomach and try to feed Grayson through my belly button. She's going to be such a good cousin even if she's a bossy little thing tehe!
So unless Grayson decides to break my water and come early, 13 days and counting until we get to meet our sweet little boy and I can't wait!! Ahhh this is gonna be the longest 13 days of my life!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I am blessed
I am blessed because God has put me through so much in my life. Everyone goes through a lot in their life. God never said life would be easy, but He did promise to make it worth-while. He promised to be there for us to lift us up when we're down, to take away all of our pain, to be that one set of footprints in the sand because that's where He has carried us, and to always love us for who we are on the inside and not the out. God doesn't put us through obstacles to punish us no matter how much we feel He is, but to make us stronger people in the end. To help us learn from our mistakes and let go of those mistakes and never turn back. I know there are so many people out there that have been through more tragic things then I could ever imagine going through. I'm thankful that God has put me through so much no matter how hard it was, has been, and is. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clean water, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a bed to sleep in, a car to drive me places, air to cool me off and heat to warm me up, things that I don't even need, a wonderful job that I cherish, family and friends who love me and who I adore, a man in my life who is there for me every day, and I'm able to walk and talk and see and take care of myself without assistance. I might not have much, but in my heart I have it all. We all take things for granted. We even take the people in our life for granted. Sometimes we don't even notice it until it's too late. All of these things we have, we think everyone else has too...but a lot of times, that's not the case. I'm thankful that God has brought me these things and more. I am blessed.
I am blessed because after a few not so pleasant relationships, God has finally brought a man in my life who treats me better than any man ever has. You have to stop looking for that right person and let God bring them to you when the time is right. You have to make yourself happy before you can ever make anyone else happy. You have to be patient. And as hard as it is for me to be patient, I'm glad I was because I wouldn't have TC in my life. He's such a sweet and caring man. I have no idea what I'd do without him. He makes me laugh like no other person ever has. The little things he does for me makes me smile. He surprises me in some way every single day. I know in my heart that he is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with even if we've only known each other a year. It's been the best year of my life and no one can ever tell me differently. Our relationship started out slow and got just all of a sudden everything went so fast but I've never doubted if our relationship would last or not. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that no matter where it takes us, we're going to be stronger than ever and we'll be happy. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have been able to experience motherhood. As hard as it has been, my son is healthy and I am healthy. So many women can't have kids and I couldn't imagine how hard that is to be told that. I was told 2 years ago that I would have a hard time having kids because I was having some female problems for a year due to all the medicine I was on for epilepsy when I never had epilepsy. That discouraged me but I knew those doctors were wrong. As silly as this sounds and as much as I complain about it, I am thankful for the swollen feet and hands, the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the cramping and pressure, the numbness, the moments I get out of breath just by putting my socks on, and the tiredness that pregnancy has brought me...because I know not every woman can experience being pregnant. And I know in the end, I will have a baby boy to look at and to be thankful for. I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond words right now and I couldn't be happier with my life. I have my bad and off days like everyone else in this world...but those bad days fade out into the distance and God provides me with better days. I get emotional, sometimes I feel like giving up, and sometimes I feel like no one is here to understand....but then God helps me. He helps me by picking me back up when I feel like giving up. He helps me by bringing people into my life to help me cope with things that I don't know how to cope with on my own. I am blessed.
"I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bit bitchy, to push people, to push myself. I was taught never to take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself, but most of all, to fight for myself."
I am blessed because I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clean water, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a bed to sleep in, a car to drive me places, air to cool me off and heat to warm me up, things that I don't even need, a wonderful job that I cherish, family and friends who love me and who I adore, a man in my life who is there for me every day, and I'm able to walk and talk and see and take care of myself without assistance. I might not have much, but in my heart I have it all. We all take things for granted. We even take the people in our life for granted. Sometimes we don't even notice it until it's too late. All of these things we have, we think everyone else has too...but a lot of times, that's not the case. I'm thankful that God has brought me these things and more. I am blessed.
I am blessed because after a few not so pleasant relationships, God has finally brought a man in my life who treats me better than any man ever has. You have to stop looking for that right person and let God bring them to you when the time is right. You have to make yourself happy before you can ever make anyone else happy. You have to be patient. And as hard as it is for me to be patient, I'm glad I was because I wouldn't have TC in my life. He's such a sweet and caring man. I have no idea what I'd do without him. He makes me laugh like no other person ever has. The little things he does for me makes me smile. He surprises me in some way every single day. I know in my heart that he is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with even if we've only known each other a year. It's been the best year of my life and no one can ever tell me differently. Our relationship started out slow and got just all of a sudden everything went so fast but I've never doubted if our relationship would last or not. I don't know what the future holds for us but I do know that no matter where it takes us, we're going to be stronger than ever and we'll be happy. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. I am blessed.
I am blessed because I have been able to experience motherhood. As hard as it has been, my son is healthy and I am healthy. So many women can't have kids and I couldn't imagine how hard that is to be told that. I was told 2 years ago that I would have a hard time having kids because I was having some female problems for a year due to all the medicine I was on for epilepsy when I never had epilepsy. That discouraged me but I knew those doctors were wrong. As silly as this sounds and as much as I complain about it, I am thankful for the swollen feet and hands, the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the cramping and pressure, the numbness, the moments I get out of breath just by putting my socks on, and the tiredness that pregnancy has brought me...because I know not every woman can experience being pregnant. And I know in the end, I will have a baby boy to look at and to be thankful for. I am blessed.
I am blessed beyond words right now and I couldn't be happier with my life. I have my bad and off days like everyone else in this world...but those bad days fade out into the distance and God provides me with better days. I get emotional, sometimes I feel like giving up, and sometimes I feel like no one is here to understand....but then God helps me. He helps me by picking me back up when I feel like giving up. He helps me by bringing people into my life to help me cope with things that I don't know how to cope with on my own. I am blessed.
"I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bit bitchy, to push people, to push myself. I was taught never to take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself, but most of all, to fight for myself."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow
Yesterday was an awful day! It first started out with a nasty comment made privately to me and as much as I appreciate that didn't publically say it to me where everyone could see on my Facebook, it still hurt. I try not to let people get to me. I try to react differently since I am in fact the only one who can choose HOW to react to someone. Well, that's easier said than done while pregnant and having your emotions already thinning. The comment that was made was about my miscarriage I had a year ago. And just that simple sentence they said to me, hurt. They said it because of a post I posted on Facebook that they read wrong. Everyone else knew I didn't mean it in a harmful way. I was just saying how amazing God is and how He works in mysterious ways. I wasn't being a smart ass, I didn't intend to hurt anyone's feelings, I was simply taking a shitty day and realizing that God gives us a light at the end of the dark tunnel and at the end of that tunnel, He makes it all better. Well, they didn't think that way which is fine because everyone has their own opinion, everyone has a different way of thinking and looking at things. But they didn't have to make the nasty comment to me. They could have just acted like an adult, ignored my post, and moved on instead of upsetting an already distraught pregnant woman.
This same person I am talking about, I should have let go a long time ago. I should have stepped away when I could have because I knew I'd get hurt in the long run...but they wouldn't let me walk away. Not their fault at all when I say they didn't let me because I know I have that choice of who gets to stay in my life and who I should walk away from. I guess since I do see these people every Sunday at church (if we both go to church), I felt obligated to still be in their lives. Doesn't help that these people were in my life a little over a year and were going to soon be my family. Of course that didn't happen and I've gotten over that a long time ago. But these people were there for me...until the end. But none of that matters now because I'm moving on. I'm finally letting go. That's what I've been needing for the past year. To just let go. And not just let go of them, but everyone who is associated with them. Not trying to be rude or bash them in any way although they have hurt me. I need to do this for me and my sanity. I can't keep holding on to something that God has obviously pushed me away from and made me open my eyes to.
So yesterday, I let go. I let go of a lot of people who deliberately put me down and make me feel like a teeny tiny ant. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of letting people get to me and letting them hurt me without saying a word to them just so it won't hurt their feelings and just to dodge a little fight or argument. If they took the time to hurt me and not think about my feelings, then why should I hold back my thoughts and feelings in order to not hurt them? I guess I've always had the mind set of " do unto others as you would have them do to you" that and not to stoop to their level. Well I'm done holding back my feelings.
On top of all that, TC and I were on our way to our doctor's appointment and right before I was going to ask TC to drive because I was starting to have some contractions, I get pulled over for speeding. I was going 57 in a 45 RIGHT BEFORE it changed 55. Like seriously I had less than 200 feet until the speed limit changed to 55. That and I looked down at my speedometer and I was going 50, not 57! But of course, I didn't feel like being a bitch to that cop because I probably would have ended up in a jail cell, no lie! I didn't even speak to the officer. TC did all the talking because he KNEW if I opened my mouth, he'd be shaking his head and having to bail me outta jail. Again, why people have to piss a pregnant woman is beyond me. They should put warning labels on us for real!
Well, after I get done with the asshole cop, I get TC to call our doctor's office to tell them that we were going to be late but we were on our way. Well, of course as we pull into the doctor's office parking lot, they call us back and tell us that my appointment isn't until the next day! Really? Yall couldn't have told us that when we called yall to tell yall we'd be late?!?! TC told them that that's not what our sheet said when our apppointment was. And we even got back to the house and my sheet said, "4-03-13 at 1:20 pm with Dr. Jones." So today, when I go BACK up there, I'm gonna be a smart ass and bring my sheet up there and make sure the rest of my appointments are correct. I was just pissed because 1. I have a quarter tank of gas in my car that has to last me all week. 2. My doctor's office is behind the hospital which is about 15-20 minutes away from our house. 3. I don't have the time nor the gas nor the money to waste going back and forth to the hospital. Urghh! So frustrating!
After all of that frustration, I dropped TC off at the flea market so he could help a friend clean out their building. I drop him off, get all the way to our house, go to unlock the door, and notice that my house key was not on my keychain! Urghh! So all the way BACK to the flea market to get TC's keys and I just wind up waiting for TC to finish so I didn't have to get all the way back to the house and then get a phone call as I'm just relaxing to pick him up. I was tired, I was fed up with this shitty day, and I just wanted to go home and go to bed! Of course it didn't help that I hadn't had time to eat all day and didn't really feel like eating because of these stupid contractions. Again, URGHH!!!
We get home and TC tries everything in his power to cheer me up. We go to Walmart to get some groceries and so I can walk and of course someone else has to post something on my status and it just goes down hill from there with people defending me. I appreciate that people wanna defend me, but on Facebook, it gets you NO WHERE! So I just turn my phone off and ignore it all.
Contractions all night for the past week and hurting so bad! I am a little short shit and Grayson is growing like a weed and doesn't have any room which makes this pain even more uncomfortable. I've always loved being short even with all the teasing, but right now, I effin hate it! I never knew being short would hurt this bad being pregnant! I know it's all gonna be worth it in the end...but the end can hurry the hell up! I swear the last month of pregnancy lasts longer than the whole pregnancy does! At least that's what it seems like. It's dragging on and on and on. Feels like time has just stopped to taunt my short ass.
So the devil really tested my patience yesterday and all day long yesterday, I couldn't help but to have the song from Annie stuck in my damn head: "the sun will come out tomorrow..." Well it's tomorrow and it's effin raining! No sun today but that doesn't mean my day won't be sunny. The devil's not gonna win today. It's gonna be a good day whether I have to force it or not.
Getting ready to head to my doctor's appointment. Hoping and praying for some good news and that I've progressed some. Hoping to get some answers as to why I keep blacking out and falling and having contractions non stop. Please say a prayer for us <3
This same person I am talking about, I should have let go a long time ago. I should have stepped away when I could have because I knew I'd get hurt in the long run...but they wouldn't let me walk away. Not their fault at all when I say they didn't let me because I know I have that choice of who gets to stay in my life and who I should walk away from. I guess since I do see these people every Sunday at church (if we both go to church), I felt obligated to still be in their lives. Doesn't help that these people were in my life a little over a year and were going to soon be my family. Of course that didn't happen and I've gotten over that a long time ago. But these people were there for me...until the end. But none of that matters now because I'm moving on. I'm finally letting go. That's what I've been needing for the past year. To just let go. And not just let go of them, but everyone who is associated with them. Not trying to be rude or bash them in any way although they have hurt me. I need to do this for me and my sanity. I can't keep holding on to something that God has obviously pushed me away from and made me open my eyes to.
So yesterday, I let go. I let go of a lot of people who deliberately put me down and make me feel like a teeny tiny ant. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I'm tired of letting people get to me and letting them hurt me without saying a word to them just so it won't hurt their feelings and just to dodge a little fight or argument. If they took the time to hurt me and not think about my feelings, then why should I hold back my thoughts and feelings in order to not hurt them? I guess I've always had the mind set of " do unto others as you would have them do to you" that and not to stoop to their level. Well I'm done holding back my feelings.
On top of all that, TC and I were on our way to our doctor's appointment and right before I was going to ask TC to drive because I was starting to have some contractions, I get pulled over for speeding. I was going 57 in a 45 RIGHT BEFORE it changed 55. Like seriously I had less than 200 feet until the speed limit changed to 55. That and I looked down at my speedometer and I was going 50, not 57! But of course, I didn't feel like being a bitch to that cop because I probably would have ended up in a jail cell, no lie! I didn't even speak to the officer. TC did all the talking because he KNEW if I opened my mouth, he'd be shaking his head and having to bail me outta jail. Again, why people have to piss a pregnant woman is beyond me. They should put warning labels on us for real!
Well, after I get done with the asshole cop, I get TC to call our doctor's office to tell them that we were going to be late but we were on our way. Well, of course as we pull into the doctor's office parking lot, they call us back and tell us that my appointment isn't until the next day! Really? Yall couldn't have told us that when we called yall to tell yall we'd be late?!?! TC told them that that's not what our sheet said when our apppointment was. And we even got back to the house and my sheet said, "4-03-13 at 1:20 pm with Dr. Jones." So today, when I go BACK up there, I'm gonna be a smart ass and bring my sheet up there and make sure the rest of my appointments are correct. I was just pissed because 1. I have a quarter tank of gas in my car that has to last me all week. 2. My doctor's office is behind the hospital which is about 15-20 minutes away from our house. 3. I don't have the time nor the gas nor the money to waste going back and forth to the hospital. Urghh! So frustrating!
After all of that frustration, I dropped TC off at the flea market so he could help a friend clean out their building. I drop him off, get all the way to our house, go to unlock the door, and notice that my house key was not on my keychain! Urghh! So all the way BACK to the flea market to get TC's keys and I just wind up waiting for TC to finish so I didn't have to get all the way back to the house and then get a phone call as I'm just relaxing to pick him up. I was tired, I was fed up with this shitty day, and I just wanted to go home and go to bed! Of course it didn't help that I hadn't had time to eat all day and didn't really feel like eating because of these stupid contractions. Again, URGHH!!!
We get home and TC tries everything in his power to cheer me up. We go to Walmart to get some groceries and so I can walk and of course someone else has to post something on my status and it just goes down hill from there with people defending me. I appreciate that people wanna defend me, but on Facebook, it gets you NO WHERE! So I just turn my phone off and ignore it all.
Contractions all night for the past week and hurting so bad! I am a little short shit and Grayson is growing like a weed and doesn't have any room which makes this pain even more uncomfortable. I've always loved being short even with all the teasing, but right now, I effin hate it! I never knew being short would hurt this bad being pregnant! I know it's all gonna be worth it in the end...but the end can hurry the hell up! I swear the last month of pregnancy lasts longer than the whole pregnancy does! At least that's what it seems like. It's dragging on and on and on. Feels like time has just stopped to taunt my short ass.
So the devil really tested my patience yesterday and all day long yesterday, I couldn't help but to have the song from Annie stuck in my damn head: "the sun will come out tomorrow..." Well it's tomorrow and it's effin raining! No sun today but that doesn't mean my day won't be sunny. The devil's not gonna win today. It's gonna be a good day whether I have to force it or not.
Getting ready to head to my doctor's appointment. Hoping and praying for some good news and that I've progressed some. Hoping to get some answers as to why I keep blacking out and falling and having contractions non stop. Please say a prayer for us <3
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
April Showers Bring May Flowers
One year ago today, I was going through a miscarriage...all by myself. Not because I didn't have anyone there to help me but because I was having a hard time and just wanted to be left alone. God sure did pick a good day for this to happen because I seriously thought it was an April Fools joke. I had known that I was pregnant but didn't believe it because Steven and I kept thinking we were pregnant every other month since I was having female problems thanks to what I believe to be all the medicine I was taking for epilepsy when I found out I didn't have epilepsy exactly a year prior to having this miscarriage. April really isn't my month if you haven't caught on by now.
So here I stood. Not knowing what my body was doing but knowing it wasn't good. I was terrified and didn't know what to really do but sit on the toilet and let it pass on its own...and it did and then I was fine. Well, my body was fine but my emotions were everywhere. Here I was already distraught over a breakup that happened 2 days before...and then this. I kept asking myself if God hated me and asked why this was happening to me and so fast at that. I just didn't understand. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. And looking back at it now, it still feels that way. It feels like it was a dream. There's no way I had gone through all of that so strongly. Of course there were times that I just felt like giving up and felt like I had given up...but God pushed me through after I realized that I needed to give Him my problems and not give them to other people.
As I write this, I think about how God works in mysterious and funny ways. 2 months after my breakup, God brought me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. 3 months after that, we found out we were going to have a baby. About 4 months after that, we find out we're having a baby boy. 3 months after that, we move into our new house. I am happy. I am content. And even though my heart hasn't fully healed from last year, my heart is content where it is no matter what my head decides to tell me.
I've recently started seeing a counselor to help me with my past. From being a child and dealing with my daddy's anger. From coping with my mom and dad's divorce to dealing with my dad's and stepmom's. From the molestation I hid from middle school until college to dealing with all of this through high school with a smile on my face. From my breakup and miscarriage with Steven to my life now with TC and Grayson. It's been hard to talk about it all and those are just a few things we talk about. And through all of it, I've put a smile on my face whether it's been forced or not. I've chose to be strong through it all as it's happening although I have felt like giving up and becoming weak. All of this stuff I've been through has taken a toll on me. It's the reason why I have a conversion disorder where I have seizure-like activity called "events'. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm overcoming it.
As I think about all these amazing things that have happened to me the past year and think about how my life has turned a switch, I also think about something else. When you fall in love with someone, when you decide amongst each other that you're going to spend the rest of your life with each other, when you plan out everything for that special day where the two of you will tell one another how you feel in front of so many people....and when it all ends, you still think about that person. You still love that person. And yes, I admit, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Steven. I will always love him. But I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago...before we ever even broke up. TC knows all of this. He knows exactly how I feel and he understands. He understood before he even agreed to date me and before he even thought about spending the rest of his life with me.
I have moved on. Steven has moved on. And I'm happy that we have because we just weren't meant to be together no matter what we thought. I hold no grudges or anger towards him anymore. I found someone and he found someone. And what's funny is we both moved on so fast. So fast that both of us are having babies in April. And that's what's so ironic about this year.
On April 1, 2012, I had a miscarriage with Steven's baby. On April 1, 2013, he introduced his son into this world. And as much as it hurts to think about my miscarriage again after I have let it go and moved on but also will never forget it, I find a little peace knowing that exactly one year, God brought a new life into this world. He could have picked any other day out of of the year and He chose this one. I dare someone to tell me there isn't a God now. He works in mysterious and funny ways, and no one can tell me differently.
April isn't a good month for me. Hasn't been for awhile now. But it's funny all at the same time: April 12, 1986 my parents got married. My daddy left us on March 5, 2001 and didn't get in touch with us until April of that same year. April 12, 2011, I went down to Charleston for testing and for a surgical procedure. I was there for 3 days and found out I didn't have epilepsy and didn't need that surgery but instead I had a conversion disorder which made me have mimicked seizures called "events". On March 5, 2011 Steven and I sat down and decided that we were going to get married on April 20, 2013. March 30, 2012 Steven and I broke up. April 1, 2012 I had that miscarriage. On September 6, 2012 TC and I listened to our baby's heart beat for the first time and were told that our baby's due date will be April 20, 2013. And on April 1, 2013 Steven introduced his son into the world.
These dates may not be of any importance to any of you...but they are for me. Because although April has never been a good month for me, it's been a great one all at the same time....and that's the only month that does that to me.
As I look back at my life the past year, I let go. All of this weight on my shoulders has been lifted off and placed in God's hands....and I couldn't be more thankful. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up because the weight of the world is just so heavy. Some days I don't feel strong. Some days I get down and don't want to talk to anyone....but I overcome those days. I take it day by day and let it all go. I let go and let God. April "showers" bring May "flowers" <3
So here I stood. Not knowing what my body was doing but knowing it wasn't good. I was terrified and didn't know what to really do but sit on the toilet and let it pass on its own...and it did and then I was fine. Well, my body was fine but my emotions were everywhere. Here I was already distraught over a breakup that happened 2 days before...and then this. I kept asking myself if God hated me and asked why this was happening to me and so fast at that. I just didn't understand. It felt like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. And looking back at it now, it still feels that way. It feels like it was a dream. There's no way I had gone through all of that so strongly. Of course there were times that I just felt like giving up and felt like I had given up...but God pushed me through after I realized that I needed to give Him my problems and not give them to other people.
As I write this, I think about how God works in mysterious and funny ways. 2 months after my breakup, God brought me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. 3 months after that, we found out we were going to have a baby. About 4 months after that, we find out we're having a baby boy. 3 months after that, we move into our new house. I am happy. I am content. And even though my heart hasn't fully healed from last year, my heart is content where it is no matter what my head decides to tell me.
I've recently started seeing a counselor to help me with my past. From being a child and dealing with my daddy's anger. From coping with my mom and dad's divorce to dealing with my dad's and stepmom's. From the molestation I hid from middle school until college to dealing with all of this through high school with a smile on my face. From my breakup and miscarriage with Steven to my life now with TC and Grayson. It's been hard to talk about it all and those are just a few things we talk about. And through all of it, I've put a smile on my face whether it's been forced or not. I've chose to be strong through it all as it's happening although I have felt like giving up and becoming weak. All of this stuff I've been through has taken a toll on me. It's the reason why I have a conversion disorder where I have seizure-like activity called "events'. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm overcoming it.
As I think about all these amazing things that have happened to me the past year and think about how my life has turned a switch, I also think about something else. When you fall in love with someone, when you decide amongst each other that you're going to spend the rest of your life with each other, when you plan out everything for that special day where the two of you will tell one another how you feel in front of so many people....and when it all ends, you still think about that person. You still love that person. And yes, I admit, I will always hold a special place in my heart for Steven. I will always love him. But I have fallen out of love with him a long time ago...before we ever even broke up. TC knows all of this. He knows exactly how I feel and he understands. He understood before he even agreed to date me and before he even thought about spending the rest of his life with me.
I have moved on. Steven has moved on. And I'm happy that we have because we just weren't meant to be together no matter what we thought. I hold no grudges or anger towards him anymore. I found someone and he found someone. And what's funny is we both moved on so fast. So fast that both of us are having babies in April. And that's what's so ironic about this year.
On April 1, 2012, I had a miscarriage with Steven's baby. On April 1, 2013, he introduced his son into this world. And as much as it hurts to think about my miscarriage again after I have let it go and moved on but also will never forget it, I find a little peace knowing that exactly one year, God brought a new life into this world. He could have picked any other day out of of the year and He chose this one. I dare someone to tell me there isn't a God now. He works in mysterious and funny ways, and no one can tell me differently.
April isn't a good month for me. Hasn't been for awhile now. But it's funny all at the same time: April 12, 1986 my parents got married. My daddy left us on March 5, 2001 and didn't get in touch with us until April of that same year. April 12, 2011, I went down to Charleston for testing and for a surgical procedure. I was there for 3 days and found out I didn't have epilepsy and didn't need that surgery but instead I had a conversion disorder which made me have mimicked seizures called "events". On March 5, 2011 Steven and I sat down and decided that we were going to get married on April 20, 2013. March 30, 2012 Steven and I broke up. April 1, 2012 I had that miscarriage. On September 6, 2012 TC and I listened to our baby's heart beat for the first time and were told that our baby's due date will be April 20, 2013. And on April 1, 2013 Steven introduced his son into the world.
These dates may not be of any importance to any of you...but they are for me. Because although April has never been a good month for me, it's been a great one all at the same time....and that's the only month that does that to me.
As I look back at my life the past year, I let go. All of this weight on my shoulders has been lifted off and placed in God's hands....and I couldn't be more thankful. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like giving up because the weight of the world is just so heavy. Some days I don't feel strong. Some days I get down and don't want to talk to anyone....but I overcome those days. I take it day by day and let it all go. I let go and let God. April "showers" bring May "flowers" <3
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