Are gonna be long as hell! And I hate it! TC left this morning to go to AT. Of course he called me at around 8:30 and asked me to come up to his unit in Saluda because he needed some important documentation. And I'm really glad he asked me to because I was more than half asleep when he kissed Grayson and I goodbye this morning so it gave me the chance to actually kiss and hug him. Grayson was excellent in the car on the way there and back. It's about an hour to an hour and a half drive both ways so I was very surprised I didn't have to pull over and breastfeed him. I pumped a bottle but the way he eats bottles is crazy!
But any way! TC will be gone for 3 weeks. He'll be home on the 31st but then has to turn around and go to Columbia for Yellow Ribbon Ceremony June 1st and 2nd. But thankfully he'll be sleeping at the house the 31st and 1st so I'm excited about that. Then he's taking a week off from work so we can go on a mini vacation to Charleston. I have a photoshoot on the 6th down there so we're heading down on the 5th and probably staying until the 7th.
It's just going to suck. I'll be able to talk to him on the phone, text him, and Facebook him...but it's not the same. I know it's only 3 weeks and so many people are telling me that it's not that big of a deal...well it is when he'll be deploying in August and this AT bull crap takes a month away from us to spend time together and for TC to spend with his son. I'm just tired of people telling me the time will go by fast and that it's not that big of a deal. If only they knew. I don't wish this on anyone. It's just harder now that Grayson is here. That is what's killing me the most. I'm just glad that Grayson won't remember any of this when he's older. That's the only good thing that's coming out of the timing of all this.
TC's afraid that Grayson will be scared of him once he comes back from deployment. That and the fact that Grayson won't know who he is. I reassured him that Grayson WILL know his daddy. He'll know his voice and what he looks like every single day while he's gone. I'll make sure of that.
As much as we need the money and we'll be able to do so much once TC gets back, it just sucks so bad! It sucks not knowing exactly where he is, what he's doing, and whether or not he's ok. He won't be able to call us every day. And I try not to worry about him getting hurt or killed over there but it's hard when SO many men and women do die over there doing the simplest things like playing with kids or just walking around. The uncertainty just kills me more than anything. I know he'll be able to skype and call us every now and then and he'll be able to write us....but it's still not the same. It just hurts so bad! I try not to think about it. I try to stay positive...but my heart just hurts! He's not even gone yet and my heart is broken.
I know I'm strong. I have been through so much in my life already. But never something like this. How do you say goodbye to someone who you have fallen so much in love with, who has become your best friend and the father of your child and so much more, and who has been there for you through so much?!?! How do you say goodbye to someone and knowing that they may be the last time you see them?!? TC has promised me that he's coming home and I believe that with my whole heart...I HAVE to believe that. But just not knowing hurts so much! I can't describe this emptiness in my heart. I can't describe what I'm feeling. All I can say is that it hurts so bad!
Sometimes I just scream and ask God why! Why OUR family? Why now? Why ever? I know God is watching over us and I know He'll keep me strong and pull me through this. And I know He has put people in my life who love us and who will support us and take care of us. But it's still not going to be the same without TC here. No amount of people can soothe me enough. I know want him here. Call me selfish, I don't care. There's just so much on the line right now. TC will be missing his own birthday. He'll be missing Grayson's first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthday, and so many of Grayson's first holidays. He'll be missing Grayson's first words, the first time he crawls, his first steps, his first haircut, the first time he eats cake and ice cream, and so many of Grayson's milestones.And it just sucks! Don't know how to explain it any better.
The next 3 months are just going to fly by and I don't want it to. He found out for sure that he'd be deploying the first weekend in April. That's when he found out he'd be gone for a month for AT. That seems like yesterday that he was told that. And here we are. I just want time to slow down as much as it will. I don't want this time to slip away from us.
There's skype, yes. I'll be taking too many pictures and videos to count, yes. But why does TC have to watch his son's first year through a screen or through pictures and videos?!?! It's just not fair! It's not fair at all. This feels like a nightmare. Before Grayson was born, I told myself that we'd be fine. That I could do this, no problem. I told myself that it'l be hard but that I've got this. Now that Grayson is born, I feel like I don't. I just look into his eyes and see his daddy and it just breaks my heart. I'm so thankful to have him...I just wish his daddy would be here and not have to leave. I know it's better for him to leave now while Grayson is young....but it's not better on me. I'm doubting myself that I can do this when I know I can. I just pray to God that year will fly by. I pray to God that the day he leaves us and we're in that airport that time will go before my eyes and we'll be right back at that airport picking him up in a year like we never even left that airport to begin with. I know things will be different once TC gets back. He'll be different. But I pray to God that He watches over us and makes everything ok. I know He will. I have to believe that in my heart. <3
Just pray for us. Pray hard for us please. Never did I think at 22 I'd be where I'm at now. I'm thankful I am though. Just wish certain things would be different...or at least the timing would. Todd Cowan Wallace, I love you more than anything in this world! Asides from the day our precious son was born, the day I met you and the day I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with my best friend (being YOU) was the greatest day of my life! I love you to the moon and back, baby! Pinky swear and lock it! <3
Friday, May 10, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Grayson Michael Wallace is here! :D
Our gorgeous son was born on April 23rd at 1:07 pm weighing in at 7 pounds and 4 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long! It was a long week and a very emotional one at that so here's the recap of it all:
Well first of all, let me say that I am now officially Mariah Wallace as of April 19th! We got married so last minute because TC and I knew we wouldn't have time to get married and fill out all of the paper work we need after Grayson was born and before he left for AT. So we took the plunge and went ahead and got married. We also did it for Grayson. A lot of people tell me we got married because we had a baby. Some people even make rude comments and say we HAD to get married. That's not the case. If we got married because we had a baby, we would have done it when I found out I was pregnant. TC and I love each other more than anything. We loved each other before I got pregnant. And we love each other even more because of Grayson. I don't have to explain any of that to anyone. What we have is special and just because we've only known each other a year, doesn't mean anything. We have fallen in love with each other, we support each other, and we're there for each other through thick and thin and that's how it's meant to be. But anyway, once TC gets back from his deployment, we are going to have a beautiful wedding and I can't wait! Ok back to the story:
I was supposed to be induced April 24th but after going to the doctor that Monday (April 22nd), they were scared I had pre-eclampsia due to my blood pressure being way too high and my swelling going wayyy up from my feet all the way to my knees....SO they decided to put me in the hospital that night.
Monday night, Dr. Morton started my cervidil. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a medicine to soften the cervix and speed up labor. Tuesday morning, they took it out and checked my cervix. Yeah, nothing! I was still stuck at a 1-2 dilation. Dr. Reed broke my water at 7:40 and ordered my epidural right after they did that. Contractions started VERY shortly after they broke my water and let me tell you, those damn things are no joke! But with the help of my wonderful husband and my amazing doula, I pushed through them. They gave me my epidual at 8:50. Around 12:30, they came in and told me that is was best to go ahead and give me a c-section because I wasn't dilating AT ALL, Grayson wasn't moving down far enough, and he'd get stuck coming out vaginally. TC was at our house grabbing a few things and made it back in time. He was SO nervous and was scared they were gonna go ahead without him, but I reassured him that everything was going to be ok and that they weren't going to start without him there. Him and our wonderful doula, Kayla, got all geared up in their scrubs and they wheeled me out for my c-section. TC was so wonderful during my c-section. He made sure I stayed calm through all of the pain and pressure that came along with my c-section. And our wonderful doula took so many great pictures during the whole thing.
Grayson Michael Wallace was born at 1:07 pm weighing in at 7 pounds and 4 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long. TC and I balled as we heard his first cry and as we got to meet our son for the first time. Such an emotional and exciting experience. TC wheeled Grayson out to the nursery as they were stitching me up while Kayla took TC's play and kept me calm and pushed me through the pain and pressure. After they got done stitching me up, they took me to the recovery room where shortly after Grayson joined me so I could breastfeed him for the first time. Again, such an emotional and exciting experience. TC was there to support me while Kayla again, took such amazing pictures they we're going to cherish forever!
A few hours after I got settled into my new room, we were informed that Grayson was having trouble breathing from the tube they had to put in the suction out all the fluid from his lungs which also made his poor little nose inflamed. Talk about how I cried like a baby because he wasn't able to be in the room with TC and I the entire time. That was probably the most heartbreaking thing we experienced. But we were able to go to his side and be with him and I did get to breastfeed him every 3 hours and spend as much timhe as I wanted with him.
Wednesday, I got to take a shower and peel off the bandage they had on my incision. TC was amazing and got in the shower with me and helped me. I cried so bad because I was so scared but TC again helped me push through that. Afterwards, they wanted me to try and walk some. I couldn't make it down the hall without getting winded and dizzy and without my heart raising so fast. That's when I started having tremors in my neck. It felt just like the mimicking seizures I have from my conversion disorder, but I was awake and able to hear everything going on, but couldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed. Usually with my conversion disorder when I have these episodes, I am unconscious and not aware of anything that is going on. So this was SO scary! They put me on Ativan to calm down some but then I was told I couldn't breastfeed for 24 hours after taking that medicine. As much as I needed that medicine, I was devastated that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my precious son.
Thursday, they wanted me to walk some more and I felt the same way. They came in and told me that my hemoglobin was way too low and that I would need a blood transfusion. That and my blood pressure started to sky rocket starting on Monday. I never had a problem with my blood pressure until that Monday. Thursday night, they started my blood transfusion. I needed 3 units of blood that's how bad I lost blood. They got one unit of blood in the IV they had in me since Tuesday but when they went to go and put the 2nd unit of blood in my IV, my IV popped out. So they had to stick me again and if anyone knows my veins, yall know how hard it is for them to get one. A bunch of pokes and bruises later and after 4 people tried, they finally got an IV in my arm. And poor TC was awoken with me screaming from the pain of them poking me and rolling my veins that he just leaned over and held me.
Friday morning, I felt SO much better and was able to walk around without any problems except for the trimmers I was still having. The coloring in my face was back to normal, I wasn't getting too winded from walking, and my heart was no longer racing out of my chest. I did still have high blood pressure though.
Later that afternoon, Grayson got to FINALLY be discharged and into our room after his circumcision and after TC and I did the CPR class. We were SO happy for him to be back with us. So happy that we didn't sleep like we said we were going to lol.
I was finally discharged at around 4:30. TC was so anxious to get us home that he had all of our stuff packed up, on the cart, and ready to go for hours! We got home at 5:30. My wonderful sister-in-law was there when we got home. She had stayed all week to help TC around the house and to make sure everything was cleaned and in place for us to be home. Couldn't be more thankful for her.
Saturday night, I had to go BACK to the hospital due to my trimmers getting worse. I found out I had a UTI so they have me on some antibiotics for that. They did a cat scan to make sure I didn't have an infection from my c-section, and thank the Lord I didn't. They said the trimmers could be caused by numerous things (my blood pressure being so high, the UTI, my c-section, the fact I had to have a blood transfusion, or just the aftermath of giving birth). I went to my primary physician Wednesday and she said the same thing and just to keep an eye on it the next few weeks and if it doesn't clear up, to come back and she'll go from there. Thank you to my wonderful momma and Nanie for taking care of Grayson Saturday night while TC took me to the ER. I love yall so much!
I just want to thank my wonderful husband who was there for me every step of the way and who has been there for me since the day we met. He helped me push through my contractions, breathed with me through the pain, calmed me down when I was scared and upset, ran back and forth from the hospital to the house and back to get everything I needed/wanted from the house, ran errands for me that we needed to get done, brought me food when I didn't want hospital food, made me comfortable before he made himself comfortable, held my hand through all of the pain, supported me through every single thing, cried with me as our son was born and cried with me as I went through the unimaginable, and just did everything in his will to make sure Grayson and I were ok and happy. He is such a great daddy! Has been throughout my whole pregnancy and he's an even better one now that Grayson is here. He loves his son so much! I couldn't ask for a better man in my life!
To my wonderful doula, Kayla, who helped me through my epidural, helped me breathe through my contractions, helped me through my c-section, and definitely for taking the most amazing pictures during the whole thing! I couldn't thank you enough for everything you did, girl!
To my wonderful Momma, Nanie, Daddy, and mother-in-law for being there every step of the way calming me down through everything. To my Momma who sang me my song while I was scared and upset (and loopy as crap lol). To my daddy who held my hand through some of my contractions. To my Nanie who visited us and cooked us food once we got home. You're so wonderful and I love you! To my mother-in-law who stayed with me in the hospital while TC was running errands and while my momma and Nanie were at work. And thank you to her also for staying with me Wednesday night while TC was at work, for cooking such an amazing dinner and dessert, and for talking with me and keeping me company. To my sister-in-law for staying all week and cleaning our house and making sure everything was perfect for us to come home. You're awesome, girl! To my wonderful friends who came to see me and keep me a little distracted while Grayson was in Special Care. Sad some of you couldn't see or hold him but thank you so much for taking the time to coume to the hospital to keep me company. And last but not least, thank you to all of the doctors and nurses for taking such good care of Grayson and I while we were there.
As of right now, Grayson will be 2 weeks on Tuesday. My, how time has gone by so fast! It needs to slow down. TC leaves for AT on Friday and will be back June 4th. When he gets back, he's taking a week off of work so we can go on a mini vacation with Grayson. I'm going to miss him SO much while he's gone for nearly a month! I don't know what I'm going to do without him here, but I know Grayson and I will be fine with the help of family and friends. Thanks so much to my best friend, Gretchen, who will be staying with Grayson and I while TC is gone. I don't want Friday to come. It's going to be hard. It's going to be even harder come August when he has to deploy. As much as we need the money, I pray to God something changes. TC is the love of my life. He's my best friend! I have never felt so much love for one man in my entire life. He has my heart forever and I pray to God that he stays safe and comes home to us. I have to keep that faith. It just hurts so much! And I can't help but to cry every time I think about him leaving for a year. I don't know what I'm going to do, but like TC always says, h"we got this shit!" I just hope I can do it. I know in my heart I can. I'm just going to miss him SO much! It hurts so bad knowing that Grayson will be about 4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be 1.5 when he returns. I promised TC I will video tape everything and take more pictures to count...but it's still not going to be the same without him. It hurts. I can't express that enough. Please pray for our little family. We need it more than anything right now.
Grayson and TC are sound asleep. Both are snoring and both are in the same position lol too sticken cute! I love my boys so much! And although it's been hard and frustrating at times and no matter how much I just wanna cry with all of the emotions going through my body, I couldn't be happier right now. I am blessed beyond words. I thank God for giving me such a precious gift and for giving me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. It's wonderful!
Well first of all, let me say that I am now officially Mariah Wallace as of April 19th! We got married so last minute because TC and I knew we wouldn't have time to get married and fill out all of the paper work we need after Grayson was born and before he left for AT. So we took the plunge and went ahead and got married. We also did it for Grayson. A lot of people tell me we got married because we had a baby. Some people even make rude comments and say we HAD to get married. That's not the case. If we got married because we had a baby, we would have done it when I found out I was pregnant. TC and I love each other more than anything. We loved each other before I got pregnant. And we love each other even more because of Grayson. I don't have to explain any of that to anyone. What we have is special and just because we've only known each other a year, doesn't mean anything. We have fallen in love with each other, we support each other, and we're there for each other through thick and thin and that's how it's meant to be. But anyway, once TC gets back from his deployment, we are going to have a beautiful wedding and I can't wait! Ok back to the story:
I was supposed to be induced April 24th but after going to the doctor that Monday (April 22nd), they were scared I had pre-eclampsia due to my blood pressure being way too high and my swelling going wayyy up from my feet all the way to my knees....SO they decided to put me in the hospital that night.
Monday night, Dr. Morton started my cervidil. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a medicine to soften the cervix and speed up labor. Tuesday morning, they took it out and checked my cervix. Yeah, nothing! I was still stuck at a 1-2 dilation. Dr. Reed broke my water at 7:40 and ordered my epidural right after they did that. Contractions started VERY shortly after they broke my water and let me tell you, those damn things are no joke! But with the help of my wonderful husband and my amazing doula, I pushed through them. They gave me my epidual at 8:50. Around 12:30, they came in and told me that is was best to go ahead and give me a c-section because I wasn't dilating AT ALL, Grayson wasn't moving down far enough, and he'd get stuck coming out vaginally. TC was at our house grabbing a few things and made it back in time. He was SO nervous and was scared they were gonna go ahead without him, but I reassured him that everything was going to be ok and that they weren't going to start without him there. Him and our wonderful doula, Kayla, got all geared up in their scrubs and they wheeled me out for my c-section. TC was so wonderful during my c-section. He made sure I stayed calm through all of the pain and pressure that came along with my c-section. And our wonderful doula took so many great pictures during the whole thing.
Grayson Michael Wallace was born at 1:07 pm weighing in at 7 pounds and 4 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long. TC and I balled as we heard his first cry and as we got to meet our son for the first time. Such an emotional and exciting experience. TC wheeled Grayson out to the nursery as they were stitching me up while Kayla took TC's play and kept me calm and pushed me through the pain and pressure. After they got done stitching me up, they took me to the recovery room where shortly after Grayson joined me so I could breastfeed him for the first time. Again, such an emotional and exciting experience. TC was there to support me while Kayla again, took such amazing pictures they we're going to cherish forever!
A few hours after I got settled into my new room, we were informed that Grayson was having trouble breathing from the tube they had to put in the suction out all the fluid from his lungs which also made his poor little nose inflamed. Talk about how I cried like a baby because he wasn't able to be in the room with TC and I the entire time. That was probably the most heartbreaking thing we experienced. But we were able to go to his side and be with him and I did get to breastfeed him every 3 hours and spend as much timhe as I wanted with him.
Wednesday, I got to take a shower and peel off the bandage they had on my incision. TC was amazing and got in the shower with me and helped me. I cried so bad because I was so scared but TC again helped me push through that. Afterwards, they wanted me to try and walk some. I couldn't make it down the hall without getting winded and dizzy and without my heart raising so fast. That's when I started having tremors in my neck. It felt just like the mimicking seizures I have from my conversion disorder, but I was awake and able to hear everything going on, but couldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed. Usually with my conversion disorder when I have these episodes, I am unconscious and not aware of anything that is going on. So this was SO scary! They put me on Ativan to calm down some but then I was told I couldn't breastfeed for 24 hours after taking that medicine. As much as I needed that medicine, I was devastated that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my precious son.
Thursday, they wanted me to walk some more and I felt the same way. They came in and told me that my hemoglobin was way too low and that I would need a blood transfusion. That and my blood pressure started to sky rocket starting on Monday. I never had a problem with my blood pressure until that Monday. Thursday night, they started my blood transfusion. I needed 3 units of blood that's how bad I lost blood. They got one unit of blood in the IV they had in me since Tuesday but when they went to go and put the 2nd unit of blood in my IV, my IV popped out. So they had to stick me again and if anyone knows my veins, yall know how hard it is for them to get one. A bunch of pokes and bruises later and after 4 people tried, they finally got an IV in my arm. And poor TC was awoken with me screaming from the pain of them poking me and rolling my veins that he just leaned over and held me.
Friday morning, I felt SO much better and was able to walk around without any problems except for the trimmers I was still having. The coloring in my face was back to normal, I wasn't getting too winded from walking, and my heart was no longer racing out of my chest. I did still have high blood pressure though.
Later that afternoon, Grayson got to FINALLY be discharged and into our room after his circumcision and after TC and I did the CPR class. We were SO happy for him to be back with us. So happy that we didn't sleep like we said we were going to lol.
I was finally discharged at around 4:30. TC was so anxious to get us home that he had all of our stuff packed up, on the cart, and ready to go for hours! We got home at 5:30. My wonderful sister-in-law was there when we got home. She had stayed all week to help TC around the house and to make sure everything was cleaned and in place for us to be home. Couldn't be more thankful for her.
Saturday night, I had to go BACK to the hospital due to my trimmers getting worse. I found out I had a UTI so they have me on some antibiotics for that. They did a cat scan to make sure I didn't have an infection from my c-section, and thank the Lord I didn't. They said the trimmers could be caused by numerous things (my blood pressure being so high, the UTI, my c-section, the fact I had to have a blood transfusion, or just the aftermath of giving birth). I went to my primary physician Wednesday and she said the same thing and just to keep an eye on it the next few weeks and if it doesn't clear up, to come back and she'll go from there. Thank you to my wonderful momma and Nanie for taking care of Grayson Saturday night while TC took me to the ER. I love yall so much!
I just want to thank my wonderful husband who was there for me every step of the way and who has been there for me since the day we met. He helped me push through my contractions, breathed with me through the pain, calmed me down when I was scared and upset, ran back and forth from the hospital to the house and back to get everything I needed/wanted from the house, ran errands for me that we needed to get done, brought me food when I didn't want hospital food, made me comfortable before he made himself comfortable, held my hand through all of the pain, supported me through every single thing, cried with me as our son was born and cried with me as I went through the unimaginable, and just did everything in his will to make sure Grayson and I were ok and happy. He is such a great daddy! Has been throughout my whole pregnancy and he's an even better one now that Grayson is here. He loves his son so much! I couldn't ask for a better man in my life!
To my wonderful doula, Kayla, who helped me through my epidural, helped me breathe through my contractions, helped me through my c-section, and definitely for taking the most amazing pictures during the whole thing! I couldn't thank you enough for everything you did, girl!
To my wonderful Momma, Nanie, Daddy, and mother-in-law for being there every step of the way calming me down through everything. To my Momma who sang me my song while I was scared and upset (and loopy as crap lol). To my daddy who held my hand through some of my contractions. To my Nanie who visited us and cooked us food once we got home. You're so wonderful and I love you! To my mother-in-law who stayed with me in the hospital while TC was running errands and while my momma and Nanie were at work. And thank you to her also for staying with me Wednesday night while TC was at work, for cooking such an amazing dinner and dessert, and for talking with me and keeping me company. To my sister-in-law for staying all week and cleaning our house and making sure everything was perfect for us to come home. You're awesome, girl! To my wonderful friends who came to see me and keep me a little distracted while Grayson was in Special Care. Sad some of you couldn't see or hold him but thank you so much for taking the time to coume to the hospital to keep me company. And last but not least, thank you to all of the doctors and nurses for taking such good care of Grayson and I while we were there.
As of right now, Grayson will be 2 weeks on Tuesday. My, how time has gone by so fast! It needs to slow down. TC leaves for AT on Friday and will be back June 4th. When he gets back, he's taking a week off of work so we can go on a mini vacation with Grayson. I'm going to miss him SO much while he's gone for nearly a month! I don't know what I'm going to do without him here, but I know Grayson and I will be fine with the help of family and friends. Thanks so much to my best friend, Gretchen, who will be staying with Grayson and I while TC is gone. I don't want Friday to come. It's going to be hard. It's going to be even harder come August when he has to deploy. As much as we need the money, I pray to God something changes. TC is the love of my life. He's my best friend! I have never felt so much love for one man in my entire life. He has my heart forever and I pray to God that he stays safe and comes home to us. I have to keep that faith. It just hurts so much! And I can't help but to cry every time I think about him leaving for a year. I don't know what I'm going to do, but like TC always says, h"we got this shit!" I just hope I can do it. I know in my heart I can. I'm just going to miss him SO much! It hurts so bad knowing that Grayson will be about 4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be 1.5 when he returns. I promised TC I will video tape everything and take more pictures to count...but it's still not going to be the same without him. It hurts. I can't express that enough. Please pray for our little family. We need it more than anything right now.
Grayson and TC are sound asleep. Both are snoring and both are in the same position lol too sticken cute! I love my boys so much! And although it's been hard and frustrating at times and no matter how much I just wanna cry with all of the emotions going through my body, I couldn't be happier right now. I am blessed beyond words. I thank God for giving me such a precious gift and for giving me the most amazing man I could have ever asked for. It's wonderful!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Just a List of Random Things
Things I can't wait to do/be able to do again after Grayson is born:
- Be able to breathe again! Haha not having feet in my ribs will not only feel awesome but feel weird all at the same time when that's all I've been used to half of my pregnancy. Yay for being short as crap!
- Fit into my clothes! Seriously NONE of my shirts fit anymore and I only own ONE pair of maternity pants that get washed on a daily basis! haha!
- All of this swelling will go down. I look like Fred Flinstone with these HUGE feet and legs! I never knew how swollen my legs and feet could get.
- Be able to feel my hands! At least I HOPE! Grayson LOVES to sit on the right nerve where my fingers just go numb. I haven't been able to feel 2 of my finger tips in 2 months! That and I keep dropping things because I can't feel that I'm holding them lol
- I know this sounds REALLY bad and I haven't missed it all, but I'm totally making a Peach Flip (peaches, lemonade, and vodka). I'm not a big alcohol drinker and when I did drink before I got pregnant, I drank the GIRLEST drinks ever that had hardly any alcohol in it. This will be my celebratory drink since TC's gonna have his dang cigar! haha!
- Do a cartwheel. You THINK I'm playin?!?!
- No longer being a turtle on its back. I seriously get stuck on the couch and TC picks on me. My back will just lock up and since I'm so short and my belly is so big, it doesn't help the fact I can't get up outta bed or up from the couch lol
- Be able to paint my toe nails, shave my legs, and see my hoo-ha! haha YES this is exciting! But I must say that I haven't had to shave my legs since November! The hair on my legs just won't grow anymore. One of many things I'm gonna miss about pregnancy.
- Go to Carowinds and ride roller coasters. Last summer, my daddy took TC, Dakota, and I to Carowinds and we rode every single roller coaster in that park. Then a few days later, I found out I was pregnant and flipped crap! I seriously thought I hurt Grayson and felt horrible that I got on these roller coaster and didn't know I was pregnant. Luckily, he was too tiny to cause any damage. Maybe THAT'S why he's a little mover lol. But no, I'll definitely be glad to go back and be able to ride roller coasters without feeling horrible afterwards! :)
- Dress myself without getting winded and without having any assistance. I seriously feel like I just ran a marathon after I attempt to put my pants and socks on. Most days, TC has to help me but the days where he's at work, it literally takes me 10 minutes to put my pants and socks on when normally it only takes me less than a minute! Pheww I'm exhausted just thinking about it! Lol!
- Not being blamed for when TC farts in public! Seriously I could kill him! He'll fart in public RIGHT NEAR someone may I add and he'll walk away to another isle. The person who smells it will look at me with the most pitiful look like, "oh, you poor gassy pregnant girl. It's ok!" I find TC on the next isle laughing his ass off and I smack the shit outta him! Lol!
Things I'm gonna miss about being pregnant:
- Feeling Grayson move. And boy, he is a mover! Some days it hurts, but most days I absolutely love feeling him kick. It amazes me, makes my days a whole lot better, and amuses the crap outta me lol! Even my doctors are amazed at how much he moves but sometimes that gets us in trouble when they can't catch him to get his heart beat. Little stinker!
- TC feeling my belly and cuddling on top of my tummy while Grayson kicks the mess outta him. I'm DEFINITELY gonna miss this! It's so sweet and makes me cry sometimes. TC is so in love with his son it's unbearably cute!
- Not having to bend down and pick something up because someone else does it for me haha I know I'm bad! lol But seriously who likes picking up something 4 million times off of the floor because they're clumsy as crap?!?! I sure as hell don't! lol
- Being able to eat the strangest foods without a word being said. You do that crap when you're NOT preggers and people think you've lost your damn mind lol TC gave me ONE weird look with something strange I ate when I first found out I was pregnant and has never given me a strange look ever again. I think he's scared bahaha!
- Having all this energy to do things like clean, cook, and organize. Nesting at its finest but I've been nesting since my 1st trimester. It's quite embarrassing but hey at least my house is cleaned and organize AND at least TC can say he has food in his belly! Lol!
- Sleeping whenever I want and no one questioning it because pregnancy wears your ass out! TC would always ask me what the hell I do during the day and I always tell him, "I made an arm today! Wait wait! Just made a toe!" haha it's hard work, yo!
- Wheeling around in the Walmart scooters when my feet are too swollen to walk
- Be able to breathe again! Haha not having feet in my ribs will not only feel awesome but feel weird all at the same time when that's all I've been used to half of my pregnancy. Yay for being short as crap!
- Fit into my clothes! Seriously NONE of my shirts fit anymore and I only own ONE pair of maternity pants that get washed on a daily basis! haha!
- All of this swelling will go down. I look like Fred Flinstone with these HUGE feet and legs! I never knew how swollen my legs and feet could get.
- Be able to feel my hands! At least I HOPE! Grayson LOVES to sit on the right nerve where my fingers just go numb. I haven't been able to feel 2 of my finger tips in 2 months! That and I keep dropping things because I can't feel that I'm holding them lol
- I know this sounds REALLY bad and I haven't missed it all, but I'm totally making a Peach Flip (peaches, lemonade, and vodka). I'm not a big alcohol drinker and when I did drink before I got pregnant, I drank the GIRLEST drinks ever that had hardly any alcohol in it. This will be my celebratory drink since TC's gonna have his dang cigar! haha!
- Do a cartwheel. You THINK I'm playin?!?!
- No longer being a turtle on its back. I seriously get stuck on the couch and TC picks on me. My back will just lock up and since I'm so short and my belly is so big, it doesn't help the fact I can't get up outta bed or up from the couch lol
- Be able to paint my toe nails, shave my legs, and see my hoo-ha! haha YES this is exciting! But I must say that I haven't had to shave my legs since November! The hair on my legs just won't grow anymore. One of many things I'm gonna miss about pregnancy.
- Go to Carowinds and ride roller coasters. Last summer, my daddy took TC, Dakota, and I to Carowinds and we rode every single roller coaster in that park. Then a few days later, I found out I was pregnant and flipped crap! I seriously thought I hurt Grayson and felt horrible that I got on these roller coaster and didn't know I was pregnant. Luckily, he was too tiny to cause any damage. Maybe THAT'S why he's a little mover lol. But no, I'll definitely be glad to go back and be able to ride roller coasters without feeling horrible afterwards! :)
- Dress myself without getting winded and without having any assistance. I seriously feel like I just ran a marathon after I attempt to put my pants and socks on. Most days, TC has to help me but the days where he's at work, it literally takes me 10 minutes to put my pants and socks on when normally it only takes me less than a minute! Pheww I'm exhausted just thinking about it! Lol!
- Not being blamed for when TC farts in public! Seriously I could kill him! He'll fart in public RIGHT NEAR someone may I add and he'll walk away to another isle. The person who smells it will look at me with the most pitiful look like, "oh, you poor gassy pregnant girl. It's ok!" I find TC on the next isle laughing his ass off and I smack the shit outta him! Lol!
Things I'm gonna miss about being pregnant:
- Feeling Grayson move. And boy, he is a mover! Some days it hurts, but most days I absolutely love feeling him kick. It amazes me, makes my days a whole lot better, and amuses the crap outta me lol! Even my doctors are amazed at how much he moves but sometimes that gets us in trouble when they can't catch him to get his heart beat. Little stinker!
- TC feeling my belly and cuddling on top of my tummy while Grayson kicks the mess outta him. I'm DEFINITELY gonna miss this! It's so sweet and makes me cry sometimes. TC is so in love with his son it's unbearably cute!
- Not having to bend down and pick something up because someone else does it for me haha I know I'm bad! lol But seriously who likes picking up something 4 million times off of the floor because they're clumsy as crap?!?! I sure as hell don't! lol
- Being able to eat the strangest foods without a word being said. You do that crap when you're NOT preggers and people think you've lost your damn mind lol TC gave me ONE weird look with something strange I ate when I first found out I was pregnant and has never given me a strange look ever again. I think he's scared bahaha!
- Having all this energy to do things like clean, cook, and organize. Nesting at its finest but I've been nesting since my 1st trimester. It's quite embarrassing but hey at least my house is cleaned and organize AND at least TC can say he has food in his belly! Lol!
- Sleeping whenever I want and no one questioning it because pregnancy wears your ass out! TC would always ask me what the hell I do during the day and I always tell him, "I made an arm today! Wait wait! Just made a toe!" haha it's hard work, yo!
- Wheeling around in the Walmart scooters when my feet are too swollen to walk
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
We've Got This Shit
Ever since TC and I started dating, he's always told me, "we've got this shit!" And I know we do.
This weekend has been a hard one. Not only did we get the news of TC's deployment and the fact he'll be gone for 23 days for AT starting May 10th just 2 weeks after Grayson is born, I got some news at the doctor's office. Nothing that I want to discuss right now until I know for sure what's going on and know exactly what my doctor wants to do. Just need a lot of prayers right now.
Yesterday after TC got off of work, we sat down and talked. And while we talked, we agreed to get married sooner than we wanted to. The past couple of months, his Sargeant has mentioned deployment. When we heard of this back in January, we decided we were going to go up to the court house in July and get married. We were gonna wait until after Grayson was born so we wouldn't have to deal with all the chaos of changing my name on everything. That and so I'd have more benefits in the long run.
Instead of waiting, I told TC that I really wanted to get married before Grayson was born so that all 3 of us have the same last name on his birth certificate. So we went up to the court house yesterday and signed a marriage license. We are going Friday to actually get married.
So many people keep asking me why we chose to do this so last minute and just a week shy of Grayson getting born. They keep asking why we didn't do it sooner. Well frankly, we don't have to have a reason why we do the things we do. I thought long and hard about this. I want Grayson to grow up knowing that me and his daddy love each other and I know we don't have to have a piece of paper saying we're married to prove that but I wanted all 3 of us to have the same last name. We didn't get married just because we're having a baby like everyone thinks. TC and I love each other very much. We were in no rush to get married until we found out about his deployment.
This weekend has just been full of bad news after bad news and we wanted something to cheer us up. I know that sounds bad but we're not going to regret this. We're not going to look back and be like, "dang with all of that bad news we got, we shouldn't have gotten married JUST to cheer us up." No, we're not going to see it that way. I look at it this way: we were going to get married any way whether it be in July or years down the road. Even if he winds up not deploying, we were still going to get married in July. But we thought why not just do it now, get it out of the way, and focus on Grayson the rest of the way. So we just went ahead and made it official.
Now with that said, once TC returns home from deploying, we're going to have a big reception with all of our friends and family so no worries. I've never been the type of person to just get married at a court house. I've always wanted that dream wedding and we'll be able to do that once he returns. We just don't have the time or money to do it before he deploys because it's so soon.
I couldn't be happier right now. I wouldn't want to spend my life with any other man but TC. Yall already know how I feel about him so I'll save yall from reading all kinds of lovey dovey gushy things lol.
Grayson will be coming into this world April 24th. I'll be going into the hospital the night of the 23rd to get medicine to jump start labor, and then I'll be induced the morning of the 24th and have Grayson some time that day. We can't wait! With all of this bad news we keep getting, we've lost sight of the fact our on will be here in a week! It seriously doesn't feel like we have just a short week before we become a family of 3. It's so surreal. It still feels like yesterday that we told everyone I was pregnant. We couldn't be more ready to meet our son's sweet face. We're beyond happy and excited and anxious! <3
We've got this shit! :D
This weekend has been a hard one. Not only did we get the news of TC's deployment and the fact he'll be gone for 23 days for AT starting May 10th just 2 weeks after Grayson is born, I got some news at the doctor's office. Nothing that I want to discuss right now until I know for sure what's going on and know exactly what my doctor wants to do. Just need a lot of prayers right now.
Yesterday after TC got off of work, we sat down and talked. And while we talked, we agreed to get married sooner than we wanted to. The past couple of months, his Sargeant has mentioned deployment. When we heard of this back in January, we decided we were going to go up to the court house in July and get married. We were gonna wait until after Grayson was born so we wouldn't have to deal with all the chaos of changing my name on everything. That and so I'd have more benefits in the long run.
Instead of waiting, I told TC that I really wanted to get married before Grayson was born so that all 3 of us have the same last name on his birth certificate. So we went up to the court house yesterday and signed a marriage license. We are going Friday to actually get married.
So many people keep asking me why we chose to do this so last minute and just a week shy of Grayson getting born. They keep asking why we didn't do it sooner. Well frankly, we don't have to have a reason why we do the things we do. I thought long and hard about this. I want Grayson to grow up knowing that me and his daddy love each other and I know we don't have to have a piece of paper saying we're married to prove that but I wanted all 3 of us to have the same last name. We didn't get married just because we're having a baby like everyone thinks. TC and I love each other very much. We were in no rush to get married until we found out about his deployment.
This weekend has just been full of bad news after bad news and we wanted something to cheer us up. I know that sounds bad but we're not going to regret this. We're not going to look back and be like, "dang with all of that bad news we got, we shouldn't have gotten married JUST to cheer us up." No, we're not going to see it that way. I look at it this way: we were going to get married any way whether it be in July or years down the road. Even if he winds up not deploying, we were still going to get married in July. But we thought why not just do it now, get it out of the way, and focus on Grayson the rest of the way. So we just went ahead and made it official.
Now with that said, once TC returns home from deploying, we're going to have a big reception with all of our friends and family so no worries. I've never been the type of person to just get married at a court house. I've always wanted that dream wedding and we'll be able to do that once he returns. We just don't have the time or money to do it before he deploys because it's so soon.
I couldn't be happier right now. I wouldn't want to spend my life with any other man but TC. Yall already know how I feel about him so I'll save yall from reading all kinds of lovey dovey gushy things lol.
Grayson will be coming into this world April 24th. I'll be going into the hospital the night of the 23rd to get medicine to jump start labor, and then I'll be induced the morning of the 24th and have Grayson some time that day. We can't wait! With all of this bad news we keep getting, we've lost sight of the fact our on will be here in a week! It seriously doesn't feel like we have just a short week before we become a family of 3. It's so surreal. It still feels like yesterday that we told everyone I was pregnant. We couldn't be more ready to meet our son's sweet face. We're beyond happy and excited and anxious! <3
We've got this shit! :D
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Heartbroken
That's how I feel and I don't know how to shake it. TC returned to drill this afternoon with news that I wish would just go away. Not only is he being forced into deploying in August to Afghanistan, he has to be at AT (annual training) at McCrady in Eastover, SC for 21 days starting May 10th. Grayson will be only be 2 weeks old. So not only will TC be missing out on a year of Grayson's life, he will miss out on 21 days that he could be bonding with his son before he gets deployed. When will the bad news stop? The past few weeks have just been so hard on me as it is and now this. It's one thing after another and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel helpless. I'm angry, upset, and just hurt so bad! It feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. How am I going to raise Grayson on my own without TC? How am I going to stay strong for not only myself and Grayson but for TC too? I know I have so many wonderful family members and a few friends to help me with Grayson and to be there for me...but this house won't be a home without TC. No matter what anyone says or does, it won't bring TC in my arms. I need him. I can't imagine a day without him let alone a year....or those 21 days. I seriously don't know how military wives do it. I know this is what came with the package of dating and marrying a soldier but this is just so hard! It's even harder on me because of Grayson. That's who I'm worried about the most. I'd be able to cope with TC leaving ME for a year...but not our sweet innocent son who's going to be too young to understand why he doesn't have a daddy for a year. I'm so afraid that once TC comes home that Grayson will be scared of TC because he won't know him. TC's gonna miss so much! He's going to miss Mother's Day, our anniversary, his birthday, my birthday, Grayson's first Halloween, Grayson's first Christmas, Grayson's first Easter, Grayson's first birthday. He's going to miss the first time Grayson laughs, rolls over on his own, his first steps, his first words, so many milestones that a daddy shouldn't have to miss. And I know I need to stay positive but I can't help but to think what's going to happen to us if TC doesn't make it home alive. I try not to think about that the most but that's what I'm really scared of. I won't know where he is, what he's doing, when he's going to call, whether he's ok or not, nothing! And it hurts so bad not knowing what's going on with the man you love so much!
This is the only place where I've talked to about this besides talking to my family about it...and even then some of them don't know what's going on right now. I refuse to post anything on Facebook about it right now because I don't have the strength to deal with peoples' smart ass remarks. I don't have the strength to hear people tell me everything will be ok, that I have so many people who will support me, how time will fly by, and how at least TC will be here for the birth of his son. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me it could be worse. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me I knew this was coming and this is what comes with the package of marrying TC. And I really don't have the strength of people telling me they know how I feel because they have family members going through it. No, you don't know what I'm going through! Even if someone was going through the same exact thing as me, everyone copes with things differently....everyone handles things differently. I wish people would just tell me, "I'm here for you," instead of telling me they know how I feel and telling me things I just don't wanna hear at any given point in time. It's just frustrating beyond measure!
I'm trying to stay happy. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying not to be an emotional basket case every time I think about this or every time TC and I talk about it....but I can't help but to be in this depressing mood no matter how much I'm trying so hard to be happy and to focus on the time we have until he does leave. I'm trying so hard and it hurts that I can't make myself be happy and just stop worrying until the day comes where he does leave. I should be focusing on the birth of our son and how happy we're going to be once he gets here...but I can't even focus on that right now and I hate it! I hate it so much! I just wish someone ANYONE could take this heartache from me. This sucks so bad it's not even funny!
If everyone could just pray for us. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. TC's terrified! I feel helpless. I'm crying out to God to just take this pain away from me and make me strong and just make everything ok. I have to trust in that. That's the only thing I do trust right now. <3
This is the only place where I've talked to about this besides talking to my family about it...and even then some of them don't know what's going on right now. I refuse to post anything on Facebook about it right now because I don't have the strength to deal with peoples' smart ass remarks. I don't have the strength to hear people tell me everything will be ok, that I have so many people who will support me, how time will fly by, and how at least TC will be here for the birth of his son. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me it could be worse. I don't have the strength to deal with people telling me I knew this was coming and this is what comes with the package of marrying TC. And I really don't have the strength of people telling me they know how I feel because they have family members going through it. No, you don't know what I'm going through! Even if someone was going through the same exact thing as me, everyone copes with things differently....everyone handles things differently. I wish people would just tell me, "I'm here for you," instead of telling me they know how I feel and telling me things I just don't wanna hear at any given point in time. It's just frustrating beyond measure!
I'm trying to stay happy. I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying not to be an emotional basket case every time I think about this or every time TC and I talk about it....but I can't help but to be in this depressing mood no matter how much I'm trying so hard to be happy and to focus on the time we have until he does leave. I'm trying so hard and it hurts that I can't make myself be happy and just stop worrying until the day comes where he does leave. I should be focusing on the birth of our son and how happy we're going to be once he gets here...but I can't even focus on that right now and I hate it! I hate it so much! I just wish someone ANYONE could take this heartache from me. This sucks so bad it's not even funny!
If everyone could just pray for us. I'm more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. TC's terrified! I feel helpless. I'm crying out to God to just take this pain away from me and make me strong and just make everything ok. I have to trust in that. That's the only thing I do trust right now. <3
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I don't listen very well at all. Everyone should know by now I'm stubborn as hell. Have been since the day I was born. My doctor told me that I pretty much need to be on bed rest this weekend because my feet and legs are just THAT swollen. She said, "I know it's gonna be a nice weekend and all but you need to stay indoors, get off of your feet, and relax." Well what am I doing? Totally not listening! Lol! I'm outside on the shaded porch WITH my legs propped up. So :P
I'm just sitting out here enjoying the weather and hearing all the birds chirp. My yard is beautiful and I love it here! TC is at drill (hopefully behaving himself and NOT showing his ass lol) and I miss him. When he's at work at RGIS, I'm able to enjoy the day, get some cleaning done, and just relax. But when he's at drill, I hate it. I can't stop thinking about him and I miss him so much! It's only 2 days outta the month (sometimes 3) but I can't help but to miss him. I guess it's because he's 2 hours away and I don't know what he's doing. When he's at RGIS, I know he's inventorying some store...but the military is so weird. I don't know if he's in a military vehicle, fixing a military vehicle, or just sitting there being bored as hell like he always tells me he is lol. He hasn't texted me all day and I guess I'm just paranoid.
Grayson should be here any day now and if he isn't, he'll be here the 24th or the 25th because I'll be getting induced. I just want him here. I wanna hold him. I wanna see him with his daddy. I guess I want him here even more because yesterday we were told that TC will be deploying to Afghanistan in August...and I'm scared. I'm scared the next 4 months are going to fly by before my eyes and then the year he'll be gone, it's going to feel like forever! Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and will be 1.5 years old when he returns. It's going to be hard. TC is such a huge part of my life and I don't care if we've only been together a year. Time doesn't matter. I have fallen so much in love with this man it's not even funny. I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to him. I believe I'm strong enough to raise Grayson on my own for a year...but I don't want to. Call me selfish, I don't care. I just don't think it's right that they're taking TC from his son so early. If Grayson was old enough to understand and to remember his daddy, I probably wouldn't make this such a big deal. I just can't picture a day without TC in my life let alone a year. It's killing me to think about it. This news is only a day old and I'm trying not to think about it so much and just spend as much time with TC as I can without moping around or being so upset...but it's hard. I don't want him to go. I love him so much! I never knew I could love a man so much in my life...but TC is so different. He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in this world because to him, I am. I just hope these next 4 months goes by so slow that it drags on and on. I don't think I've ever wanted time to go so slow in my life!
I'm sitting out here just thinking about mine and TC's life together the past year. It seems like it's been way more than a year. I feel like I've spent my whole life with this man. I know things were slow at first and I got so impatient when we first started dating...and then it got so fast when we found out I was pregnant. But we've stuck by each other and we've done so not only because we had an oops moment and made a baby. We've done so because we love each other. We have our moments with each other where we piss one another off, but we have never been in a fight. We've always talked it out and told each other how we feel before we get a chance to scream and yell at each other. And I'm thankful for that communication because I've never had that in a relationship...EVER! He's so different with me. He understands me or at least tries his hardest to understand me (I don't believe a man can ever understand a woman lol). He puts me first above anyone and anything else including himself although sometimes I wish he wouldn't do that. He makes me feel so special even if it's the little things like the way he gently touches me or kisses me. He helps me in every way possible. He supports me in anything and everything I do or want to do and never questions me. He never tells me to think before I wanna do something and if I screw up, he never tells me he told me so and never rubs it in my face that I should have listened to him. I love when he kisses me, touches me, holds me, grabs me and puts me in his arms, plays around with me, makes me feel special, and just how he is there whenever I need him. I love him so much and I couldn't be more thankful for him. I know I don't have to prove my love to him or prove to anyone else my love for him. I guess I just like to brag a little...ok a lot! Lol! I'm just beyond blessed.
Haven't been able to stop listening to this song even if it does make me cry like a baby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTTZ_dRSGhM
Haven't been able to stop listening to this song even if it does make me cry like a baby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTTZ_dRSGhM
Friday, April 12, 2013
Just One Day
I just want one day where I can spend with TC without any distractions, bad news, phone calls, texts, nothing. Just me and him. I just want one day that goes our way for a change. One day where we can just be ourselves with each other.
Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!
Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.
As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!
TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.
God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!
Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to the time when we first started dating where we had no distractions. Granted we weren't with each other every single day like we are now and that killed me, but we didn't have much to worry about back then. We didn't have as many responsibilities back then. I'm not saying I regret the life we have now where we have bills and a baby on the way. No, I'm not saying that at all because I'm more happy now because of those things and that's two things that I'm proud of. I just wish it were easier. I just wish we could get up out of bed without having to worry about bills, going to work, dealing with this military bull shit, grocery lists, just everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is growing up sucks ass big time!
Today sucks! It beyond sucks! It seriously feels like the world is against us and I hate it. I just pray to God that everything will be okay and that everything will get better. Call me selfish and childish, but I wish things could just go our way for a change. Why can't I throw a tantrum and act like a 2-year-old to get my way again? I pray God gives us strength to get through this hell.
As much as I support the military and all the women and men who fight for us to live in freedom, it sucks all at the same time...at least for us military families. For the past 4 months it feels like they're toying with our minds, getting our hopes up, and then crashing and burning them back down. One month they tell TC he'll be deploying soon, another month they tell him he won't deploy and that he's going to get medically discharged because of his knee, and then they tell him he's transferring and will be deploying. Do they not know they're not only playing with their soldiers' emotions but their families too? Do they not care that TC has a baby on the way and he'll miss all of his son's milestones? Do they not care that something could happen over there where TC gets killed and his son will never know him? Do they not care that TC has a soon to be wife at home that has a disorder where if TC goes away all that disorder is gonna do is get worse? Because it feels like they could care less. I know millions of soldiers leave they're family members. I know some of them don't get to any witness they're child being born or even get to meet them because they wind up dying fighting for us. I know we're not any exception. We're not going to be treated any differently than any other family. But this hurts so bad! And I don't know how much more bad news and heartache I can take. I know I have to be strong for not only TC but our son...but I don't know how I'm going to do this without him. I know a year might not sound so long but it is when Grayson will be 3-4 months old when TC leaves and he'll be a year and a half when he gets back! That's too long for Grayson to be away from his daddy. He won't even know who he is when TC gets back and that hurts more than anything! And they could care less. I'm tired of people telling me it could be worse. I'm tired of people telling me it's only a year out of our lives and that the time will fly by. I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel when they don't at all. I'm tired of people saying things that just make it worse. I'm tired of people telling me at least TC will be here for the birth of our son. I'm tired of people telling me that TC can always see Grayson and I through Skype. I'm tired of people telling me it'll all be okay when they don't know that! I'm tired of people telling me I'll have a support system and I'll have people to take care of me. Why can't I have TC here to take care of me and Grayson like he's supposed to? An effin video camera isn't the same! TC won't be able to touch his son, play with his son, do raspberries on his tummy, dress his son, and physically do everything a daddy can. He won't be able to catch his son when he learns how to walk or help him blow his first birthday candle out or catch him when he falls. This hurts more than anything in this world! I can't do this without TC. He's my best friend, my soon to be husband, and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know I had to expect this and I was well aware that TC could get deployed when I met him...but not now! Not in the middle of his son growing up. Any other time but this!
TC is at work right now and all I want is for him to be here at home with me. I just want to be wrapped in each other's arms and never let go. I just wanna lay in bed all day with him and pretend this world doesn't exist just for one day....pretend that this day doesn't exist. That's all I want! Why is that so hard? I'm not asking for much. Just that.
God, just please tell me this is a nightmare! Please take this pain and heartache away from me. I can't do this stress. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't deal with this. Please just take this away!!! God, why?!?!
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